Color Me In
by Scarycarri
Summary: I'm back with a new Snowbarry AU. Caitlin Snow-Raymond is a recent widow who moves back in with her mom in her home town. Where she meets Barry Allen, her moms neighbor and all around good guy. Caitlin has secret she is keeping from everyone. Can Barry help her find love again? Let me know what you think.
1. Chapter 1

I tried to repress it, then I carried its crown

I reached out to undress it and love let me down

Love let me down

So I tried to erase it, but the ink bled right through

Almost drove myself crazy when these words led to you

-Damien Rice

Prologue

She squinted into the night, as her windshield wipers worked hard against the pouring rain. She had been driving for several hours and was starting to feel cramped and tired. She didn't think she would make it through the night and thought of stopping at the next motel for the night.

Off in the distance she could see faint flashing lights of a car on the side of the road. She would never stop in the middle of the night to help someone with their car. What if it was a trick? Hell no.

She drove by the car and wasn't going to give it a second thought, but something made her look over. She could see a soaking wet young man waving at her, trying to flag her down. He looked so helpless. So, lost. She drove past him with every intention to just keep going, but she stopped, threw the car in reverse, and rolled down the passenger window.

"You need a lift?", she found herself saying without even thinking. His smile was slightly crooked, and he let out a sigh of relief. He leaned into the window, crossing his arms. His wet hair stuck to his face and rolled off his pale cheeks into the passenger seat. "I just need to use your phone. Mines dead, and I don't have my charger. I just want to call a tow truck."

She couldn't tear her gaze away from his eyes. He had kind eyes. Sad eyes. Eyes the color of the deepest emerald green that she had ever seen, and they glowed, even in the low light of the car.

"You're never gonna get a tow truck out here at this time and in this rain. I was going to stop at the next motel." She couldn't believe the words that came out of her mouth next, "Why don't we split the room? I won't have to pay full price, and you can dry off and then call someone in the morning."

He hesitated a moment with a questioning look on his face, but nodded his head and his crooked smile returned. He slipped into her car, happy to be out of the rain.

She reached into the back seat and rummaged in her duffel bag, finding a towel for him to dry himself off with. "Thank you so much. You know, you're the forth car I've seen tonight. No one else would stop for me."

"You're welcome," she said dryly. "I actually was going to keep driving, but you looked so pathetic standing in the rain, like a lost puppy. I had to stop." She chuckled a little. Why was her mouth running without even thinking? She would never say something like that to someone.

"Oh jeez, thanks!" He said, a little offended, but he still smiled at her.

She looked over, and flashed him a brilliant smile, and his heart skipped. He watched her intently. Her focus on the road, her hands so pensive at 10 at 2 on the steering wheel. Her dark wavy hair was pulled away from her face in a pony tale. He followed the line of her jaw down her graceful neck. Suddenly, she turned her head, "You ok?" She turned her focus back to the road. "You're kinda freaking me out a little with the staring."

He cleared his throat, "Oh…Sorry. I'm just grateful. Not a lot of people would have stopped." He turned his head toward the road. "It's hard to find help these days. A lot of crazies in the world. Ya know what I mean?"

"Why would you say something like that?!" She said a little upset. "Now I'm gonna think you're an axe murderer or something. Thanks a lot bonehead!"

"No no no, that's not what I mean. I'm not an axe murderer."

"That's just what an axe murderer would say." She slammed on her brakes and the car slide slightly on the wet pavement. She quickly turned her head and stared him in the eye.

"Really…I'm a nice guy." He said defensively, with his hands up.

She started laughing. A deep hardy laugh from the pit of her stomach. "I'm just fucking with you." She said between breaths. He let his body relax a little, "That's just mean." He tried to keep a straight face but burst into laughter along with her.

They soon reached the nearest motel. It was a small single-story motel with about 15 rooms laid out in a L shape. As she pulled into the driveway, they both looked at each other and said in unison, "Bates Motel." She ran into the office and rented a room with two twin beds. She pulled into a parking spot in front of their room and grabbed her duffel bag from the back seat.

Exhausted from driving, she flopped down on the bed face first, burying her face in a pillow, kicking her shoes off and wiggling her toes.

"Do you need to use the bathroom first? I was going to take a shower, if that's ok with you?" He asked. "I just want to get out of these wet clothes and warm up a bit."

"Have at it." Her words muffled by the pillow. Then she quickly lifted her head, "Wait. I have something you can wear."

"Really?" He questioned with one eyebrow cocked up.

"Yes. It's an old tee shirt that was my dad's. I use it as a night shirt. You're gonna need to hang those clothes up to dry. She dug in her duffel bag and pulled out an old light blue tee shirt with a faded Superman symbol on the front. "Thanks." He said as she handed him the shirt. He couldn't believe her kindness.

"No problem." She said looking into his shining emerald green eyes again. She could get lost in those eyes. She could see herself diving deep into his eyes never wanting to come up for air, and it scared her.

He shivered as his wet clothes clung to his lean muscular frame, "I better get in that shower."

"Yeah, you don't want to catch a cold or something like that. My mom would be convinced you already had pneumonia." She chuckled nervously.

When he got out of the shower, she had fallen asleep with half her face nuzzled in the pillow. He covered her with the comforter folded at the foot of the bed. "Thank you." He whispered in her ear. "Whoever you are." She snorted and rolled over. He smiled down at her, moving a rogue strand of hair away from her face, then slipped into his bed.

He woke with a start as he felt someone slipping into his small bed. He wasn't sure what time it was, but the rain had finally stopped. His eyes weren't used to the dark yet, so he couldn't quite make out the figure, but he knew who it was. She placed her hand gently on his cheek and kissed his lips softly. He pulled back a little, "But you're – ", she laid a finger over his lips. "Ssshhhhh. It's ok. I want this."

Their lips found each other in the dark, coming together slow and timid. Their mouths opened and closed with virgin uncertainty. He could feel her tear stained face and started to pull away, but she held him closer to her. He wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her underneath him. She slipped her hand under the blankets and found his already swollen cock. She knew he wanted this too and she spread her legs for him, guiding his hard cock into her wanting sex. They moaned in unison as he sheathed himself deep inside her.

He kissed her deep and breathless, letting his tongue play with hers. Her hands slowly traveled down his back to his buttocks, and seized each cheek pushing him inside her deeper. She sucked in a breath as the coil inside her tightened. She moved her hips against him faster, squeezing him from inside. She bite down on his shoulder, stifling a scream of pleasure. Silent tears slowly flowed from her eyes, and he wiped them away.

He moaned loudly and quickened his trusts as he edged closer to climax. He buried his face in her neck, smelling her sweet peachy hair. His arms wrapped tighter around her, feeling her whole body against his, and he released with a deep groan.

He opened his mouth to say something, and she caught his lips with a soft kiss. She could see the sparkle of his emerald green eyes even now in the dark. She could lose herself in those eyes. And she was not afraid.

He woke the next morning to an empty bed and an empty hotel room.

Chapter 1

"Life happens to you while you're busy making other plans." John Lennon said that. He was so right. I had so many plans for my life. Good plans. Solid plans. But Life, happened.

Ronnie and I got married right out of High School, and he joined the Army. He was going to be a soldier and I was going to be a soldier's wife. We were going to have 3 kids and live in a big house, and we were going to grow old together. Not too much to ask for, right? But Life looked at my plans and said, "I don't think so chicky." What a bitch.

Now I'm a 29-year-old widow with a 5-year son, who doesn't quite understand that his Daddy is never coming home. How do you deal with something like that?

Well, I am, unfortunately, moving back to my mother's house. My mother and I have never had the best relationship. After my father died, she kind of shut down, drifted through life, and I was left alone. That's when I found Ronnie. We dated all through High School and he was everything I ever wanted. He was kind and giving. He wanted kids, just like I did. We would talk for hours about what our life was going to be like. I imagined seating on a porch swing together as our grand-kids played in our front yard.

We had a small wedding, just mostly family and a few friends. He was off to basic training 3 weeks after we were married. When he was back, he wanted to start a family right away, because guys with families get housing quicker. We tried for 2 years, and still no baby. He would ship out and we would try again when he came back, but it looked like it wasn't going to happen for us. And then after 5 years of trying, our little miracle came along. That's what we called him. Our Miracle.

Ronnie advanced pretty fast in the system. He was smart, determined and dedicated. He was stationed in Star City and we had a little 2 bedroom house. Things were going really well. Ronnie Junior, or RJ as we came to call him, was going to be starting kindergarten. I was going to work part time at the school. Life was good. But it can't always stay that way, can it?

When you're an army wife you prepare yourself for the worst when your husband is deployed, but when their home, you're not suppose to worry. You're not suppose to think the worst can happen, but it did. He had run to the Kwik E Mart for some ice cream. He always had a sweet tooth. He tried to be the hero and stop an armed robber. During the struggle he was shot and killed instantly.

Now I stare down at my husband's coffin, and wonder what I could have done differently. Should I have told him not to go? Should I have gone with him? Should I have bought ice cream the last time I was at the store? I don't know. Was this the plan that Life had for me?

"Caitlin?" My mother said softly as she put her hands gently on my shoulders, wakening me out my thoughts. "You've been staring at that thing for an hour. Don't you want to go home?" She looked at me with the same pitiful looks she got when my father died. Does she remember what it felt like? I thought she of all people would know what it's like to lose the one person you thought would be with you forever.

I nodded my head, taking one last look at the shiny wooden box that held the man I loved for most of my life. "Where's RJ?" My voice crackled in a way I didn't expect.

"He fell asleep in the car." She wrapped an arm around my shoulders, guiding me away from the open grave. It hurt to walk away. It felt wrong to leave him there. It was cold and dark and all I wanted to do at that very moment was join him, but I couldn't leave our little boy. I couldn't shut down like my mother had. He's only 5 and doesn't understand what's going on. At least I was 14 and I could take care of myself. He's still so little. My miracle.

I slipped into the back seat with him, and gently placed his head in my lap. "Mommy?" he whispered in his sleep. "Ssshhh. It's ok baby, I'm here." I brush my fingers through his hair and try to think of only him. I need to be strong. I need to be focused on my son, so he can get through this.

His hair is still so soft and baby fine, with a slight curl at the end. His cheeks are rosy red from sleep. I smile down at him, remembering him as a baby. Holding him, feeding him, changing him. Ronnie would hold him so delicately. I remember, it surprised me that a man of his stature and strength could be so gentle. Every memory I have involves Ronnie. I can't remember something, and not think of him. I can't get through this and not think of him. Fresh tears threaten to break through, but I hold them back. I take a deep breath, stare out the window and think of only RJ.

I sit in the corner of my living room as random people come up to me and tell me what a great guy Ronnie was. What a brave guy he was. How they are sorry for my loss. My loss. What loss? The loss of my husband? The loss of my best friend? The loss of the life I was going to have with him? What exactly are they sorry for? They're not the prick that decided he needed to rob a convenience store and kill my husband for 75 bucks. I stare blankly at these people for so long that their faces just become a blur. Faceless mourners who are only here for the free food and the social points.

"Please leave." I say quietly, standing slowly. I look around expecting them to put down their drinks and plates, but they don't move. They don't see me. They're sorry for my loss, but they don't see me. "Please leave," I say a little louder. I get nothing but stares of confusion. "What is wrong with you people?" I start walking around the room, still met with blank faces. "Get the fuck out of my house!" I start yelling at the top of my lungs. "Get out! Get out! Get the fuck out!"

My mother comes running in from the kitchen with RJ in tow, "Caitlin! What has gotten into you?" RJ ran and hid under the dinning room table holding tightly to the hot wheels car Ronnie gave him for his last birthday. It's a 1969 red Corvette with white striping on the sides. Ronnie's dream car. RJ's never seen me like this. I've never lost my temper in front of him. I want to hold it together for him. I want to stay sane for him, but I look around the room again at these blurry faced sheep, and I can't do it. "Caitlin? Answer me." She demands.

I turn sharply and face her. She's faceless too. No definition. No features. Just a blur. "What has gotten into me?! Maybe the fact that my husband is dead, Mother! Maybe that's what's wrong with me."

She stands there for a minute, speechless. I know I must have struck a cord with her, but she makes no sign of it. She walks around me and addresses the faceless cows grazing in my house, "I think Caitlin has had enough company for today. I'm sure she appreciates all of your condolences."

"Don't you dare think that you can speak for me." I spit out at her. I can feel her stare of disdain, I just can't make it out.

"Thank you all for coming." She ushered everyone out with thank you's and I'm so sorry she's acting this way and I hope you understand. She turned back to me again, then slapped my face. "I hope your happy. There were important people here. People here for you."

"You mean important people for you. I don't care about any of those people. The one person, other than RJ, that I cared about, is in a box buried in a hole." I rubbed the sting on my cheek. "I thought you of all people would understand that." I walked away. Maybe she finally remembered what it was like, or maybe she just realized I didn't want to hear whatever bullshit was going to come out of her mouth. I climbed that stairs in silence, feeling numb, grey. I stood outside my bedroom door, afraid to turn the knob. I used to sleep with a pillow when Ronnie was away. A pillow I could temporarily sleep with, but to know he was never going to sleep in Our bed again…I couldn't do that. I couldn't lie there under the comforter we picked out together, and know he was never going to sleep under it again. I turned around and found my way into RJ's room. I laid down on his tiny bed and held his pillow. The sweet smell of his bubble gum shampoo still lingered the pillow case.

"Mommy wake up." I woke to RJ shaking my shoulder. It was night time. I must have slept for a few hours. "Mommy you got to get out of my bed. Grammy says I have to go to bed now." He's still shaking my shoulder as I try to rub the sleep out of my eyes.

"Ok. Ok. I'm up." He has his dinosaur pajamas on. Ronnie's favorite. Maybe he realizes more than I give him credit for. It makes me smile and I pull him onto the bed and give him a big hug. His little body snuggles next to me, and he pats my arm. "It's gonna be ok Mommy. Daddy will always love us, and we'll always love Daddy."

I choke back the tears that are in my throat. My little miracle. I guess he really does understand. He is defiantly handling it better than I am.

"Are you going to yell at Grammy some more?" I was surprised by his question, but then I remember his face. His was the only clear face I could see, and he was so frightened of me. I never want to see that look again.

"I'm sorry I yelled. I just miss Daddy so much it makes me crazy. I promise I won't yell like that again." I kiss his head and squeeze him a little harder.

"Mommy," he complained, "I can't breathe." I laugh, then let him go and start tickling him. His laugh is sweet and innocent. I blow on his belly a few times, and he laughs harder. He gasps through his laughter, "Ok Mommy stop. Please stop."

"Ok…I'll stop." I jump off his bed and tuck him in. "Did you brush your teeth?" I ask playfully.

"I did. Grammy even checked my toothbrush."

I kissed his forehead, and whispered, "Sweet dreams. I love you to the moon and back."

"Love you too Mommy." He rolled on his side and closed his eyes. I closed the door part way and watched as he fell asleep. I used to do that when he was a baby. I'd gently run my finger on his little plump cheek. Play with is tiny fingers. Ronnie always got irritated cause he said I was going to wake him, but I never did.

I slowly descend the stairs dreading the inevitable confrontation with my mother. I stand on the last stair unable to move. Why am I such a coward when it comes to her? I take slow deep breaths, trying to calm my nerves, when I hear voices. At first, I thought it was the TV, but then I hear my mothers "flirty" laugh. The laugh she does when she's trying to hit on some random guy. I roll my eyes and head to the dinning room. At least if someone is here she won't blow up at me.

"Caitlin," my mother says in a sing song way. God, she's so fake. "You're finally up." She comes around the table and gives me a motherly hug. Better enjoy it while I can. I raise my arms and hug her back. She smells like coconuts, and White Diamonds perfume. The scents overwhelm my nostrils and give me a slight headache.

I notice out of the corner of my eye; a figure sits at my dinning room table. I pull back from my mother, and she says sweetly, "Where are my manners?" She pats him on the shoulder urging him up from his chair. "Barry Allen this is my daughter, Caitlin Snow."

"Raymond mother." I say with irritation. She has never used my married name. She never approved of Ronnie or that we got married so young. So, she never uses my married name to show her objection.

"What was that dear?"

"My last name is Raymond. Mrs. Ronnie Raymond." I stare at the nothingness of her face. Why did I agree to move in with her? This is going to be the worst experience of my life.

"Fine." Her salty reply tells everything about the look on her face. "Barry this is my daughter, Caitlin Raymond."

He stands, and he is a blurry figure, just like everyone else today. I hold out my hand to shake his, raise my head, and something about his face becomes clear. Very clear.

His eyes.

His familiar emerald green eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

I am not the only traveler  
Who has not repaid his debt  
I've been searching for a trail to follow again  
Take me back to the night we met

And then I can tell myself  
What the hell I'm supposed to do  
And then I can tell myself  
Not to ride along with you

I had all and then most of you  
Some and now none of you  
Take me back to the night we met  
I don't know what I'm supposed to do  
Haunted by the ghost of you  
Oh, take me back to the night we met

-Lord Huron

Chapter 2

Instantly I'm swept back to that night. The smell of his rain damp hair. The feel of his gentle hands on my naked skin. The taste of his lips. He made me feel vulnerable, desirable, beautiful. I love Ronnie to the core of my being, but I never felt that way when I was with him, and a pang of guilt knots in my stomach.

He comes into focus, and I can see his dark hair is longer, shaggier than I remember. He has a few days of stubble on his face, which I have always found to be sexy. His skin is rough and tan, like he spends his days in the sun. The smell of the earth and windblown linen comes off him. It's comforting. It smells like home. I shake his hand, and I can feel dry calluses along the inside of his palm, like he works with his hands all day. He looks at me with the same crooked smile I remember. I have tried so hard to forget that night, forget my infidelity, forget him, but I am left with a daily reminder in those familiar eyes.

My mouth is dry and I'm finding it difficult to form the words. Any words. Can he sense my hesitation? Does he remember me? I just stand there shaking his hand and staring at him like I'm a mute. I want to say something. Anything. I want to ask what the hell he is doing in my house. How did he find me? How does he know my mother? But like Life, words are tricky bitches too.

"It's very nice to meet you Caitlin." He says calmly. How can he be calm at a time like this? He must not remember or recognize me. If that's true, I'm grateful for it. I can't have my mother know about that night. It would kill me. She would kill me. "Your Mom has told me so much about you."

Wait. What? What has my mother told him? Why has my mother told him anything? I slowly turn my head to stare at my mother, still unable to speak. Is there actual cotton growing in my mouth now? I open my lips to say something and a bit of dust flies out.

"Caitlin. Don't be rude to our guest." She says in a hushed tone, so he won't hear, but he hears it anyway. How can he not? We're less than a foot away from each other.

I continue to stare at my mother, wordless. I think she took the hint of my inability to speak, because she smiled her fake "everything is fine" smile, chuckled uncomfortably and said, "Barry here is my neighbor." She placed her hand on his shoulder and continued. "He bought the farm next to mine about 5 years ago, and he has been my savior."

"Oh, I don't think I'm a savior." He said modestly, as his cheeks began to flush with color.

"Don't be silly. If it weren't for you, I would have lost my house." She says in a very fake southern accent, as if she's come right out of Gone With The Wind. All she needs to say is "I declare" and fan herself. Sometimes I think she doesn't realize she's doing it. It just pops out, like it's been lying dormant waiting for the right moment to free itself, and it always frees itself when she's flirting with someone.

I shake my head at the revelation of what my mother just said. What does she mean she almost lost her house? She never said a word to me about being in trouble. I finally find my words and practically scream at her, "What do you mean Mom? You never told me you were going to lose your house." I glance at Barry out of the corner of my eye and see he has not taken his eyes off me. He probably thinks I'm crazy the way I blew up at her. I didn't mean for it to come out mean. I was just surprised by what she said.

He's still staring. Not in an obvious way. Not in a creepy way, but almost as if he's studying me. Like I was a painting or a statue, and he is observing the beauty of the art. Does he remember me? How could he? It was nearly 6 years ago, and I'm sure he has had plenty of lovers since then. As handsome as he is, I'm sure he could have any girl he wants, so why would he remember someone a plain as me. I have brown hair, and brown eyes. Nothing special. Plus, I've put on about 10 pounds since that night. A baby and marriage can do that to you.

I look down and realize I'm still shaking his hand. No wonder his staring at me. He probably thinks I'm a lunatic. I drop his hand instantly, and turn my attention back at my mother, waiting for her to explain.

"Well honey, I didn't want you to worry. You had just had the baby and you and Ronnie were fighting all the time."

"We weren't fighting all the time." I interrupted her. How could she say that in front of him? He doesn't need to know anything about my marriage. "We weren't fighting all the time. I just didn't want him going to away so much. I needed his help with the baby, and I wanted him around. We discussed his deployments. We discussed." She looked at me with pity in her eyes.

"Well…" she started again, "You had your own issues and I didn't want to bother you with mine. Barry had just moved in next door and he was looking to expand his business, so I sold him my acreage. It was a win win situation for the both of us. His profits have doubled, and I was able to keep the house." She smiled at him sweetly. Cougar.

"Thank you for helping my Mom. That was very kind of you. So, what is your business?" I asked dryly.

"Like Carla said, it was a win win so there is no need to thank me. I have wheat and corn fields, and with the help of her land, I've been able to grow my name and my ranch as a legitimate source." He smiled that crooked smile and I involuntarily smiled back at him. I just hope I don't give him an excuse one day to kick my mom out of her house. People can be vengeful when they find out about a hidden truth. My involuntary smile fades quickly. I can't have him finding out the truth. It would hurt too many people involved.

"Why are you here?" I asked flatly. My mother's face was stricken with horror. "Watch your tongue missy!" she snapped at me. Then tried to cover up her anger with her fake flirty smile, but her thin lips couldn't do it. It just came out looking like a 3rd grade class picture smile, showing too much teeth and the mouth getting pulled back as if they were on fish hooks.

"I just mean, why has my mother asked you here?" I tried to sound a little sweeter than before, but it just came out dry and mono-toned.

"I have asked him here to help with the move." My mother said answering for him.

"He doesn't need to help, I have hired movers." I was getting irritated with her fake pleasantness.

"I realize that, but they will move most of the stuff to your storage. You and RJ will still have some things that will need to be moved to my house. My back just can't take it and I don't expect you to move everything in your state." She throws me that superior smirk she always gave me when she knew she had just won a fight. I give up. It's useless to fight. I shrug, "Fine."

She clapped her hands together, "Lovely. Barry you're going to sleep on the couch tonight. We'll start packing bright and early tomorrow morning. I'm going to get ready for bed, and I suggest you both do the same." She gave me a kiss on the forehead, "I'll see you upstairs soon." I nodded, not feeling tired at all. I wanted to just veg out in front of the TV and not think for a few hours, but that plan wasn't going to work with Captain Save Everybody sleeping on my couch. Maybe I should send Barry up with her, but I think that's exactly what she would have wanted. Any excuse to get him in bed. Not that I'm jealous or anything, but the thought of the two of them together makes me nauseous.

Barry gave my mom a half hug and wished her good night. He walked over to the couch and started taking off his work boots. "I'll get you some sheets and a blanket." I said quietly.

"Just the sheets would be fine. I get hot when I sleep." He sat with his lips slightly parted. I got the feeling he wanted to say more. I stood there a moment stiff, waiting for whatever he was going to say, but nothing came out.

I brought him a set of sheets, told him good night and walked into the kitchen. If I couldn't veg in front of my TV I would just sit and stare into a cup of coffee. I at least needed to wait till my mother fell asleep, before I went upstairs. I did not want another awkward conversation about her "savior".

"You can watch TV if you want. I don't mind." He said softly from the couch reading my mind.

"No. I'm fine." I lied. I didn't want to be near him. I didn't want to think about that night, and right now, with him in the next room, I couldn't do anything but think about that night. It was raining, right?

I brewed my coffee, poured in the creamer and began to stir. The house was so quiet, all you could hear was the slight scraping sound of the spoon against the walls of the mug. It was almost hypnotic. I stared blankly into the light brown liquid circling around. My mind drifting to thoughts Ronnie. I wanted an empty mind, but thoughts of him were good. It was good to remember him. I didn't think about anything in particular, just pictured him at the kitchen sink, drying dishes, talking about his latest operation.

I was startled when I heard Barry clear his throat at the kitchen door. "I think the creamer is stirred enough." He said softly.

"Right." I took the spoon out of the mug. "Sorry if I woke you." My voice cracked, choking back tears, because the lighthearted thoughts of Ronnie turned grey and faded at the sound of his voice. The feeling of guilt knotted in my stomach once again. I couldn't swallow. I couldn't look at him. He would be able to read it plainly on my face.

"We went to the same high school, you know." His voice wobbled with nervousness. He stood there, waiting for me to speak. I didn't respond, didn't look up, I just kept staring into the solace of my coffee.

Of course, I knew we went to the same high school. He was a year ahead of me, but everyone knew who Barry Allen was. He was a track all-star, homecoming king, and valedictorian. The question is, how does he know we went to the same high school? We hung out with different crowds. I wasn't popular, he was. I was what you would call a nerd, and he was a jock. I went to computer club and AP classes, he had track practice and college prep classes.

"I graduated a year before you." He continued, after I didn't say anything. "Your mom, Carla, she had me over for dinner one night." He was stammering a little. Why was he nervous? "I saw a picture of you. From graduation. And that's when I saw what high school it was." He ran his fingers through his hair and took a deep breath. I could tell he was building up to something. He was fidgety, moving his weight from one foot to the other. He clinched his hands together then let them go. What has gotten him so riled up? Finally, he stepped forward, into the kitchen and pulled out the chair next to me. I still couldn't look at him. Is my coffee cold now?

"I never got a chance to return your shirt." He said.


	3. Chapter 3

This grief overwhelms me

It burns in my stomach

And I can't stop bumping into things

-Alanis Morissette

Chapter 3

I can't believe he remembers me. I can't breathe. The air has been sucked out of my lungs. I feel like a deflated balloon. He reaches out for my hand and I recoil at first, but he wrapped his gentle fingers around my palm and it relaxes slightly. I can feel air refilling my lungs small breathes at time. I tilt my down head, staring at his hand at first, then I move my gaze upward, and our eyes lock.

We sit like this for what seems like hours. Eyes locked, him holding my hand, bodies stiff and motionless. My breathing has matched his pace, slow and steady, but my heart is beating in my throat. I can feel my face flush with heat and my ears feel hot. Flashes of that night spark in my mind. Does he see it too? Does he feel it too?

"It's ok." He said in a hushed tone, breaking the silence of the kitchen.

My eyes and my mouth don't move. I can't think of anything to say to him. I want to explain why I did it. Why I never told anyone about it. Why I can't stop thinking about it right now, but I can't. I can't tell him anything.

And I can't stop staring at his green eyes. Those eyes I knew I could trust that night. Those eyes that make me want to do things I shouldn't. I want to run my finger across his lips. I want to kiss his lips, his eyes, his chest. I want to feel his arms around me. I shouldn't want to do any of this. My husband just died. What kind of person am I? My head starts swimming with these questions and images of him and Ronnie. I start to feel dizzy and nauseous as a burning sensation crawls up my throat. How does he have this power over me? It was just one night. That's it. It was nothing…right? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know anything right now, except his touch comforts me and I want more.

"I just didn't want you wondering about me the rest of the night." He continued. I look away from him, his eyes burn me. They see through me. I don't want him to see my thoughts. I don't want him to know how I'm feeling. I suddenly find it hard to breathe again. I gasp for air as I try to form something to say. My mouth moves but no words come out, just a small squeak. He grabs a small paper bag from the counter and hands it to me. My chest tight, eyes squeezed shut, I cling to it, heaving my breaths in and out. Fast at first, then they come slower and slower, until they are more even.

With my breathing calmer, I was able to open my eyes and he continued, "I don't want anything from you, so don't worry about that. I just wanted you to know, it's ok what happened. It was a one-night thing. Nothing more." He starts to gently caress the top of my hand with his thumb. "I never told anyone." He looks blankly at a corner in the kitchen. "Sometimes, I even wondered if it happened at all. You were like a ghost." He looked back at me. "It wasn't until that day I went to your mom's house that I knew for sure you were real." His other hand touches my chin, and he gently lifts my head, so our eyes meet again. "Really. It's ok." His crooked smile appeared on his lips. Hot tears burn my eyes, and his thumb wiped them away. Are the tears for him? Ronnie? Me?

"I never told anyone either." I manage to say in a weak whisper. I lightly pull my hand away from his and place it over the one on my cheek. Warmth radiates from his palm, relaxing my stiff body. I never realized until this moment how lonely I have been over the last few years. How starved for intimacy my body has felt. I always thought, I'm a married woman, and you're not supposed to feel lonely when you're married. Ronnie would be gone for months at a time, so of course I was lonely when he was gone, but what about when he came home?

I close my eyes, and I can see Barry standing on the side of the road. Car broken down. Soaked to the bone from rain. I can even smell the rain. The nervous anticipation I felt slipping into bed with him. The starched hotel sheets. I bite the corner of my bottom lip. Unsure of everything. Unsure of what I'm doing. Unsure of how I feel about him.

"I'm engaged." He blurted out jarring me from my thoughts. My eyes fly open, and we lock eyes again. Those words knock me back to reality. It hits me, like a slap in face, I'm sitting in my dark kitchen with a man I hardly know. I'm a grieving widow, and this has all been an escape. My mind playing tricks on me. A distraction. A way to avoid the pain of losing Ronnie. That's why I have been so fixated on him. I don't have feelings for him, it's just a memory. I take his hand off my cheek and place it on top of his other one.

He stared down at his hands, his body relaxing, shoulders slouching slightly, "We've been on again off again over the last few years, but this time, this time…it's right." He seemed hesitant to continue. His fingers intertwined and then pulled apart into tight fits then intertwined again. He's so fidgety. Was the memory playing with his head too?

I stood up from my chair, stretched my stiff legs and back. I feel like I've been sitting in that same position for hours. I slowly walk over to the fridge and pulled out one of the silver trays the caterers had placed the left overs in. I garb two plates from the cupboard and scoop a serving of macaroni salad and cold fried chicken onto both. I lay a plate in front of him and put the other in front of my seat. I snag two forks from the drawer. I can feel his questioning eyes watching me the whole time. I hand him the fork and sit back down in my chair. "So…tell me about her." I make my voice sound as casual as I can and plaster a smile on my face. Maybe if I get him talking about her we can just put that night in the back of our minds and just forget about it.

"Well," He starts. He stares at me not sure what to make of my attitude change. He slowly puts a bite of macaroni salad in his mouth and continues to talk. "We met in high school and dated for a bit. Hey, you might know her. Iris West? Do you remember her?"

I need to immediately stop my eyes from rolling into the back of my head. Iris West. Iris Fucking West. Of course, I remember Iris Fucking West. She personally made my 4 years of high school miserable. She was a cheerleader, and popular, so that meant she always had to make fun of the nerdy kids like me. I don't want to go into the sorted details of her bullying, but let's just say that she is the reason they called me Killer Frost in high school. Iris Fucking West. It had to be her. And he's been dating her since high school? What the hell is he waiting for? I suddenly burst out with, "Way to commit Barry." I purse my lips together in embarrassment, and a small smile creeps into the corners of my lips.

He chuckled lightly, "I know it seems like a long time, but like I said we have been on again off again. After graduation we went to separate colleges and said we could see other people. Well…she wanted to see other people. I left school early because of…some family issues. She started working at the Central City Picture News and is doing really well. She's even done a couple articles with Lois Lane at the Daily Planet." He took a big bite of fried chicken, and with a full mouth he said, "Thith ith weally goo." He finished his bite then continued his "love story" with Iris Fucking West. "She's just trying to make a name for herself, and I'm proud of her for it. I want her to happy in what she does, and I can wait for her."

"So, is she going to be ok with moving back to our small town and writing crop reports?" I said with a slight attitude, then shoveled in a big bite of macaroni salad.

"Of course, she is. She loves it there. She loves my farm." His lips purse tightly together and his brow furrows slightly. I can see he was offended by my implication that she wouldn't be happy with him. We sat in silence again, eating, and not looking at each other. I tried to make him and myself feel more comfortable, and my big mouth always has to screw it up.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say she wouldn't be happy with you. I just-" I try to apologize.

"I know what you meant." He said interrupting me. "It's fine." He stood up without looking at me, rinsed his plate off in the sink and headed for the doorway. "You know," he began softly, "That night was one of the best nights of my life." Then he walked through the doorway, laid down on the couch and placed his cowboy hat on his face.

I couldn't help the smile that spread across my lips.


	4. Chapter 4

I want to thank everyone for all their wonderful reviews. I really appreciate the encouragement. I have to say some of you are very perceptive. I'll keep writing if you keep telling me what you think. Happy reading!

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We build it up, we tear it down

We leave our pieces on the ground

We see no end, we don't know how

We are lost and we're falling

-Rob Thomas

Chapter 4

"Well if ain't Killer Frost, back in town. Come to grace us with her icy presence." Felicity Smoak. My oldest friend. We've been friends since 2nd grade. She collected bugs and I liked dissecting them, so naturally no one else wanted to be our friend. We gravitated toward each other one day during recess, and we were inseparable since then. We stayed in contact with each other after Ronnie and I got married, and moved away, but we slowly drifted apart. It's hard to keep a friendship going from a distance. We used to talk on the phone every day, then it became once a week, then once a month and eventually we would go months without talking to each other. But she was the first person I called after Ronnie died and she did not hesitate to drop everything and come to see me. I guess no matter how far apart we are or no matter how long we go without speaking, her friendship will always be there for me.

"You know I hate that nickname." I said testily from underneath my blanket. That gerbil would have been fine if Iris Fucking West hadn't messed with my ethanol and dry ice versus liquid nitrogen experiment. I lost the science fair and was labeled Killer Frost for the next four years.

Felicity jumped into bed with me nearly crushing me with her huge swollen belly. "Good Lord woman are you carrying triplets in there. You're huge!" I say with a laugh. 8 months pregnant and she still looks beautiful.

"Ha Ha. You're so funny." She gave me a small shove then laughed along with me. "What are you doing in bed? You have been here over a month and you've spent the whole time in bed. When are your going to join the real world? Oliver and I want you and RJ over for dinner some time."

"I've left the house." I protested. "I've dropped off and picked RJ up from school. That's leaving the house."

"Yeah, I heard about your pajama drop off's." I told myself I couldn't shut down. I needed to be there for RJ, but the most I have been able to do is get up take him to school and come back here to bed. I've barely spoken to my mother who has not made much of an effort to comfort me.

She jumped out of bed and yanked the blanket off me. She opened the drapes and the bright daylight filled my room, slightly blinding me. "Come on, get out of bed and for God's sake, please take a shower." She waved her hand in front of her nose, laughing. I kicked her lightly in the leg laughing along with her.

"Fine. What are we going to do if I get up?" I was in a sitting position on the bed, which was a start.

"I'll take you to lunch. Our usual place." She said with a coy smile.

I huffed my last protest while I slowly got up off the bed and staggered my way to the bathroom. I let the hot water fall on my face trying to rejuvenate my soul. I feel cold and empty, even in the hot water.

I haven't spoken to Barry since that night in my kitchen. While my mother and I packed up the house he was loading up the car. When we did have a moment in the same room, we avoided each other. He drove back in his truck and I in my car. Sometimes I catch myself looking at his house through my bedroom window. I don't know why, but I can't stop thinking about him. What is wrong with me? Seriously!

I finish up my shower and get dressed quickly. I stare at myself in the long bathroom mirror. I have dark circles under my eyes, which are blood shot as well. I look tired and strained. I throw my damp hair up with a clip, brush my teeth and I'm ready to go.

"There. Don't you feel better?" Felicity said a smug smile.

"I guess." I shrug. She puts her arm around my shoulders and we walk downstairs. She walks with a slight wobble as her pregnant belly bumps into me. Her stomach looks ridiculously huge against her small frame.

"See? I knew calling you was a good idea Felicity." My mother said self-righteously from the kitchen as we came into the living room. "I have not been able to get her out of her room since she got here." Like she really tried. Yelling at me to get out bed isn't the best treatment for depression.

"I've left my room." I protested again.

"Taking RJ to school in your pajamas is not getting out of the house. You need to interact with people. How else are you going to meet someone?"

I was angered at the idea that she would assume I would want to find someone else. Ronnie just died 2 months ago. How could I even think about replacing him? I know I have been confused about my feelings for Barry, but I know nothing is going to happen between us. He's engaged and I'm fine with that. It's just my memories, and my grief messing with my head.

"Mother?! I don't want someone else!" I scream at her.

"Settle down." She put her hands on my shoulders to calm me. "I don't mean you need to find another husband. I never remarried. No one could ever replace your father. All I mean is, you need someone to fill your needs." She paused for a moment, and her flirty smile crossed her lips. "Sexually."

"Argh!" I threw my hands up in the air and rolled my eyes. "Come on Felicity. I need to get out of here."

"Finally!" Felicity said with hop in her step.

We walked out to her car which was parked behind mine in my mother's long drive way. The house front faced the street with a small fenced in yard. The garage was separate from the house and set in the back.

I caught a glance of Barry working on his fence line. He had no shirt on and sweat glistened off his chest. My heart flopped, and I felt a twinge of desire between my legs.

"I can't believe you live next door to Barry Allen." Felicity whispered like a school girl. "I had such a crush on him in high school."

"I remember." I said with a sigh. "You know, technically I don't live here. I'm just staying while I get adjusted."

"Oh, OK. What ever you say." She said sarcastically. "I just mean he was so popular in high school. Every girl wanted to be with him." She looked over her shoulder at him, "Hey Barry!" She yelled with a wave.

He looked up at the sound of his name, smiled and waved back. "How you doing? Good to see you." He called back.

"Why did you do that?" I asked angrily ducking behind the car.

"What? I wanted to say hi. You got a problem with that?" She said with a slight attitude.

"You have Oliver. You don't need to say hi." I was still hiding behind the car.

"Oh God! I'm not going to jump into bed with him. I'm just saying hi. What are doing?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" I shot straight up.

"What has gotten into you? You are acting so strange. Get in the car ya big weirdo." She unlocked the doors with a click of her key fob and slinked into the passenger seat.

"Guess who he's engaged to?" I said when the doors were shut.

"I know. Can you believe it?" she said as she shook her head.

"Iris Fucking West!" We said together. "God, I hate her." Felicity was one of her victims in high school as well. Her nickname wasn't as clever as mine, "Bean Poll". She had a skinny frame with long arms and legs and not much in the chest area. That all changed in our senior year when she filled out, gained a little weight in the right places, and caught the eye of class president, Oliver Queen.

"So…how are you holding up? Really." Felicity said grabbing my hand when we were settled in the car. I had no idea how to answer her question. Do I lie and say I'm fine? Do I say I'm devastated from my husband's death? Do I say, I can't stop thinking about a man I had a one-night fling with years ago and it's driving me insane? Her blue eyes pleaded with me to say something. It hurt me to lie to her and keep this secret, but in the end, I went with my first choice and said, "I'm fine. Really."

"I know you're not but you're not ready to tell me yet, and that's ok. I'll be patient." She gave my hand a reassuring squeeze, then started the car.

We drove to our favorite diner, The Spot. It was a simple name for a simple place. It had a classic diner feel with a row of 4-seater booths along the windows and barstools at the counter. The cook's head bobbed up and down in the serving window as he cooked greasy bacon and runny eggs. The food wasn't the best, but the milk shakes were to die for. We sat in our usual booth next the front door. I liked to hear the familiar clang of the bell when patrons came and went. I ran my hands over the cold lament of the table and smiled at the memories of the four of us, Ronnie, Oliver, Felicity and myself coming here after school, staying as late as the owner would let us.

"What can I get you guys?" Our waitress was young, maybe 17. She had dark purple hair which almost looked black in some lights. She had bad acne on her cheeks, but you could see the beauty that lies beneath. She chewed gum with an open mouth and I kept wondering how it didn't fall out.

"We'll have two chocolate milk shakes, please." Felicity told her. She made a note on her pad and walked away without saying anything. Guess who's not getting a tip?

"So…I'm going to ask again. How are you?" This time she grabbed both of my hands and waited for my response.

I want to tell her the truth, but I don't know what she would think of me. I don't know what I think of me. "I'm fine."

"I've seen you fine. You are not fine. Come on Caitlin. What is up with you? I know you are grieving, but there is something else on your mind. There is something else that has your panties in a twist." She let go of my hands and sat back in the booth with her arms crossed. Damn she knew me too well.

The waitress dropped off our milk shakes without a word. I stared at the frosted glass filled with chocolatey goodness. I ran my finger across the whipped cream and sucked it off. There is nothing better than homemade whipped cream. I closed my eyes and took a long drag off the shake until I got a brain freeze. It was as good as I remembered.

I opened my eyes, "Ok. I'll tell you. But not here."


	5. Chapter 5

Hopefully this will answer a lot of everybody's questions. Happy reading!

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I thought we'd be sexy together  
Thought we'd be evolving together  
I thought we'd have children together  
I thought we'd be family together  
But I was sadly mistaken

-Alanis Morissette

Chapter 5,

6 Years Ago

"I'm truly sorry Mr. and Mrs. Raymond." Dr. Wells said solemnly.

"So…what your saying is…" Ronnie trailed off.

"It is a very slim possibility that you will be able to conceive a child." Dr. Wells picked up some pamphlets from his desk, "But there are other options. You can adopt or use a sperm donor." His words echoed in my head as he handed us the pamphlets. I stared at them. They might as well have been in Japanese, I didn't understand them. I stared at them, realizing my dreams of having a big family with Ronnie were crushed. Tears burned my eyes and it took all my strength to choke them back. Ronnie sat next to me silent, stoic. I clutched his hand tightly. "Are you sure?" I asked quietly. "Could you run the test again?"

"We ran the test 3 times." He looked at me with pity in his eyes. My husband is sterile, and he pities me. I turn my head to Ronnie and I can see the disappointment in his blue eyes.

"Thank you for everything doc." Ronnie stood up quickly, shook his hand and helped me up out of the chair. My legs didn't want to move. I feel like I'm stuck in tar and I strain with each foot fall. How could something like this happen? What am I going to do?

"We need to talk about this." I said when we were in the car. I let go, and the tears finally fell.

"There's nothing to talk about." His voice was monotoned. He wouldn't look at me. He stared out the windshield, no emotion on his face. "We just won't have kids. You can go back to school and we'll still live our lives." He paused and turned his head to finally look at me. There was something in his eyes that scared me. Something that wasn't there before. "We just won't be parents." He faced forward again, started the car and we drove home in silence.

Once we were at home I started in, "Are we going to adopt? Or use a sperm donor? We could find someone with your same hair and eye color." I pleaded.

"Hell no! I'm not going to be the father to someone else's kid. I couldn't love another man's child." He was angry at the idea. I was taken back by his anger. I'd never seen him like this. I slowly walked over to him and tried to embrace him, to comfort him, but he put his hands up to stop me, like he didn't want me to touch him.

I stood there not knowing the man in front of me. "I thought you wanted to be a father." I managed to say in a weak voice.

"I do," he said in a softer tone. "But not like that." He stared in my eyes and plastered on a fake smile. He took my face in his hands, "We'll just keep trying and if its meant to be, it'll happen." He placed a quick kiss on my lips. His lips were dry, and rigid.

His pager went off, and I knew what that meant. He had to leave again.

"Please don't go. I really need you right now." I begged.

"You know I have no choice. I have to go." His unemotional voice rang in my ears. Who was this man? He was not my husband. He was not the man I fell in love with.

I sat on the corner of our bed and watched him pack. He never looked up at me. Never even acknowledge that I was in the same room. I couldn't let him leave. We needed to talk about this. How can he leave like this? How can he leave me like this?

"Please don't go." My heart was breaking, and the tears had found their way back.

"Caitlin stop!" He stared at me with cold dead eyes. "You know I can't stay. I have orders." He turned his back to me and started to walk out the bedroom door.

"Just take a leave of absence or something. This is our family. We need to talk about this."

"There is nothing more to talk about. I don't want some strangers kid in my house. We will keep trying. That's it!" The anger in his voice resonated off the bedroom walls. I jumped slightly, afraid. I can't believe I'm afraid of him right now. I still needed him though. I still needed him to hold me and tell me it would be alright. I needed his steadiness.

"You always leave me. Why do you always leave me?" The tears flowed freely now. I could barely understand myself, but I had to let him know. I had to tell him how I felt. "I spoke with General Watson," He turned around to look at me now. I wish he hadn't. The anger in his face made me back away, but I continued, "And he said you volunteer for most of your assignments. He said you could stay home more if you needed to." I tried to smile through my tears. I thought if he could only see it my way.

He raised a pointed finger at me, "Don't you ever talk to my superior again. Do you understand me?" He spoke to me as if I were a child in trouble. I was speechless. I stared at him with my wide open unable to comprehend what just happened. He lowered his hand seeing the fear on my face and said, "Stop trying to cause a fight. I have to go!" He grabbed his rucksack and walked out the door. He didn't even kiss me goodbye.

I sat on my bedroom floor for hours. I'm not sure how long, all I know is it was dark by the time I called my mother. I told her what the doctor said, and Ronnie had got called away. I didn't tell her we had a fight, I just told her I didn't feel like being alone. She said I could stay with her while he was away. I quickly packed up a duffle bag, threw it in the back of my car and started driving. I knew the drive would take me all night, but I needed to get out of that house. The empty house that would never hold the sounds of first steps, or playful laughter or birthday parties.

I was consumed by the thought of never being a mother. Never getting a chance to experience pregnancy. Never feeling a tiny hand hold so tightly onto my finger. I was blinded by what I would never get. I knew time away is what I needed. I thought the drive would help me see straight. Maybe by the time I got to my mother's, I would see things clearer.

I had been driving for hours and my thoughts were no clearer than when I left. It started to rain. At first it was a soft drizzle, but it soon turned into a down pore. It beat down on my car hard and fast. My wipers fought against the huge rain drops. It was getting hard to see the road. I had my headlights on high which just reflected off the rain. My body is tired. My mind is tired. Maybe I should stop at the motel I see and rest for the night.

I could make out a faint flashing ahead, like a road sign. The closer I got it I could just make out the car on the side of the road. Some poor schlub's car broke down. Good luck with that. I'm alone and a woman, like I'm going to stop. I kept my eyes forward, but I saw him out of the corner of my eye. I looked right at him. It was a young man, soaking wet, waving at me to stop. He looked so lost. Like a child caught in the rain at the playground. I told myself to just keep going, and I did. I past him up. But then my foot slammed on the brake and I put the car in reverse. I couldn't help it. He needed me, and I wanted someone to need me.

I rolled down the passenger window, "You need a lift?" He smiled at me with relief. His smile was somewhat crooked. It reminded me of someone I once knew. He leaned into the open window, crossed his arms and rested them on the frame. His hair was soaking wet and dripped onto the passenger seat. His face was pale and a little drawn. He was probably freezing.

"I just need to use your phone. Mines dead, and I don't have my charger. I just want to call a tow truck."

There was something about him that was so familiar. His eyes. His eyes were the color of emeralds. The sparkled against the dim light of the car. I could see the kindness in them, but there was also a sadness that I couldn't explain.

"You're never gonna get a tow truck out here at this time and in this rain. I was going to stop at the next hotel." What am I saying? "Why don't we split the room? I won't have to pay full price, and you can dry off and then call someone in the morning." What the fuck just came out of my mouth. I've gone crazy. That's what this is. Crazy!

He stared at me not sure what to say. I don't blame him. I'm a crazy person. He nodded his head in agreement and his crooked smiled returned. I felt a twinge in my stomach almost like butterflies.

I reached into the back seat and found my duffel bag. I searched around until I found a towel. I handed it to him, so he could dry off a little. "Thank you so much. You know you're the fourth car I've seen tonight. No one else would stop for me." There was a slight tremor in his voice, most likely from the cold rain.

"You're welcome." I said plainly. "I actually was going to keep driving, but you looked so pathetic standing in the rain, like a lost puppy. I had to stop." I chuckled. I can't believe I just said that. I would never say something like that to someone. What has gotten into me?

"Oh jeez, thanks!" I think he was offended, but he kept smiling so maybe he thought I was kidding. I put on a bright smile and started driving. I kept my focus on the road with my body still, and my hands tight on the steering wheel.

I could see him watching me from the corner of my eye. He had deep narrow eyes with pointed brows. He had a long jaw line that formed a chiseled chin. His hair was short in the back, but a little long in the front. It was a dark brown, but I couldn't really tell what color it was since it was wet and dim in the car. He was very handsome.

I couldn't take him looking at me anymore, I turned my head to look at suddenly, "You ok?" I didn't wait for his response, I turned back to the road. "You're kinda freaking me out a little with the staring."

He cleared his throat, "Oh..Sorry. I'm just grateful. Not a lot of people would have stopped." He his head and stared out the windshield as I did." It's hard to find help these days. A lot of crazies in the world. Ya know what I mean."

"Why would you say something like that?!" Does he think I'm crazy? Is he crazy? Great, I just invited Charles Manson Jr. into my car. "Now I'm gonna think you're an axe murderer or something. Thanks a lot bonehead!"

"No no no, that's not what I mean. I'm not an axe murderer."

Really?! "That's just what an axe murderer would say." I slammed on my brakes ready to push him out of my car. I turned my head and we looked each other dead in the eye. That's when it hit me. I do know him. He is familiar to me because I went to high school with this guy. Holy Shit, this is Barry Allen! This is the only guy I had a crush on in high school. Well, to be fair every girl had a crush on Barry Allen in high school.

"Really…I'm a nice guy." He said defensively, with his hands up.

Don't panic, this is Barry Allen. I do the only thing I can think of, I laugh. I laugh as hard and deep as I can muster right now. "I'm just fucking with you."

His body relaxed a little, "That's just mean." His was serious and I thought I really hurt his feelings, until he burst into laughter. We were still laughing when I started driving again.

We reached the motel after about a half hour of driving. It was a small single-story motel with 15 rooms laid out in a L shape. The color was a pale orange that had faded over the years. Dim lights ran along the underside of the awning that covered the walk way to the rooms. I turned slowly to Barry and he looked at me. We said in unison, "Bates Motel." A small shiver ran down my back from the heebie jeebies.

I ran into the managers office and rented a room. I made sure it had 2 twin beds. I pulled my car forward and parked in front of the room. We got out the car without saying anything. I grabbed my duffel bag and locked the car.

I immediately fell onto the closest bed, face first. I was exhausted. My mind was racing with thoughts of Ronnie. How could he talk to me like that today? What am I going to do? I kicked of my shoes and wiggled my toes.

"Do you need to use the bathroom first? I was going to take a shower, if that's ok with you?" He asked. "I just want to get out of these wet clothes and warm up a bit."

"Have at it." I kept my face buried in the pillow. Barry Allen is going to take a shower. A twinge hit my stomach again. He is going to be naked. In my room. My 16-year-old self would be freaking out right now. I can't have him put on those wet clothes again. I lifted my head from the pillow. "Wait. I have something you can wear."

"Really?" He questioned me with a cocked eyebrow.

"Yes. It's an old tee shirt that was my dad's. I use it as a night shirt. You're gonna need to hang those clothes up to dry." I dug around in my duffel bag and pulled out my old Superman tee shirt. I loved this shirt. It was the only thing my mother let me keep after my dad died.

"Thanks." He smiled, and his eyes sparkled brightly.

"No problem." I never realized how gorgeous his eyes were. I could get lost in the eyes. I could dive deep into those eyes and never come up for air and that scares me. A twinge hits my stomach again.

He shivered as his wet clothes clung to his lean muscular frame, "I better get in that shower."

"Yeah, you don't want to catch a cold or something like that. My mom would be convinced you already had pneumonia." I chuckled awkwardly.

He closed the bathroom door and I could hear the shower start. I sat back on the bed. I wrestled with my feelings. I wanted us to be a family, but it won't happen if we "just keep trying". The doctor said our only options are adoption or a sperm donor. Sperm donors are usually anonymous, but no one would know.

I could literally see an Angel Caitlin on one shoulder and a Devil Caitlin on the other.

Angel Caitlin, "You took sacred marriage vows. You can't break them."

Devil Caitlin, "Vows schmows. No one's going to know. He doesn't recognize you. You and Ronnie live miles away. He's just a means to an end. You want a baby. Ronnie can't give you one. Maybe he can. It's a one-time thing. If you get pregnant, you and Ronnie have the family you always wanted. If you don't, no harm no foul."

Angel Caitlin, "Plenty harm indeed. What about Ronnie not wanting another man's child.

Devil Caitlin, "What he doesn't know, won't hurt him."

The Devil Caitlin had a point.

The shower turned off. I flopped over and pretended to be asleep. He opened the bathroom door and the smell of the motel shampoo and hot steam filled the tiny room. My heart pounded in my ears. Am I really going to do this? I kept my eyes closed and tried to even out my breathing. I could sense him over me. A couple of water droplets fell on my back.

"Thank you." He whispered into my ear. "Whoever you are." I needed to hide the tears that choked in my throat with a snort. I rolled over with my back facing him. He gently moved a strand of hair away from my face. My stomach twinge again. I heard him slide into bed.

I stood over him and watched him sleep. I used to watch Ronnie sleep. His face would soften to a child like quality. I loved that about him. I love that about him. I love Ronnie. I love my husband. This is crazy. I could go to the sperm bank tomorrow and Ronnie would never know.

But I want this. I want him. I've never been unfaithful to Ronnie. I've never been with another man. I slipped into his small twin bed and he woke up started and a little dazed. I tried to calm his waking state by putting my hand on his cheek and I gently kissed him.

He pulled back and started to say, "But you're-". I pressed my finger against his lips to stop him from talking. I didn't want him to speak. I didn't need him to speak. I only needed him. "Ssshhhhh. It's ok. I want this." Out lips came together in the dark. It felt wrong kissing someone other than my husband, but his lips were soft and warm, so I opened my mouth to him. I think he could feel the tears on my wet cheeks because he tried to pull away, but I held him closer and kissed him harder.

He wrapped his arm around my waist, pulling me underneath him. I slipped my hand underneath the sheets and found his hard cock. He must have wanted this too. Does he need me as much as I need him? I opened my legs welcoming his swollen member into me. We moaned together as he pushed himself inside me. Yes, I thought. Yes, this is what I want. I opened my mouth and he kissed me deep till I was breathless. My body fully gave into the pleasure, I could feel myself tightening from within. My hands traveled down his back to his buttocks and squeezed each cheek, pushing him in deeper. Oh yes. Oh yes…I need this. I sucked in a quick breath as I could feel my climax building. I shifted my hips and bucked them against him faster. I bit down on his shoulder to stifle my scream of pleasure. Hot tears burned my eyes again. I don't know if it was from the desire or the pain of what I was doing. He wiped away my tears and I could feel another rush of ecstasy course through me.

He moaned loudly and started to trust faster, I knew he was reaching climax. I held my breath, feeling the elation build. He buried his face in my hair. His lips just touched my neck and tingles radiated through my body. He wrapped his arms around me tighter, making a finale deep thrust and we released together. Oh yes…Oh yes!

He opened to mouth to say something and I caught his lips with soft kiss. His eyes sparkled, even in the darkness of our room, they sparkled. I could lose myself in those eyes, and that doesn't scare me.


	6. Chapter 6

I wanted to give a big shout out to all the people who have left reviews and say thank you so my for your support. You guys are the reason I keep writing; Augusthippie1993, Mallus6, Maya, taitlin, shyesplease. And a huge thank you to ShanouNash for your wonderfully epic reviews! Thanks guys!

* * *

Remembering

Your touch

Your kiss

Your warm embrace

I'll find my way back to you

If you'll be waiting

-Tracy Chapman

Chapter 6

"Then I waited for him to fall asleep and I drove back home. Ronnie came home early a few days later. He felt horrible how he had left things and apologized for his behavior. He said he just freaked out, learning that he was the problem. We made up, then we made love. A few weeks later, I was pregnant. Ronnie said it was a miracle. He was so happy, and I wanted to believe it was his baby. I wanted that so much, but when RJ was born, and I saw those green eyes…I knew. I never told anyone…except you…right now." I took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. I felt a sense of relief. Laying everything out. Hearing myself say it, I can't believe I was that desperate to do something so crazy, so reckless. What if Ronnie hadn't come home early? I could have wrecked my marriage. I could have lost everything.

I watched Felicity as she stared at me, eyes glazed over, mouth wide open. I know it's a lot to take in, so I gave her a few moments to process everything. "So," she paused. "You," she paused again. "And…" She was having a hard time forming a coherent sentence. She slowly stood up from the couch we sat on together and started to pace back and forth in her living room. Hands moving as she thought to herself.

I wanted to go some place where we would have privacy, so we went to her house. Oliver was at the office and their son was still in school. They live in an extraordinary 4-bedroom 4-bath home with a kitchen that opens to a spacious living room with a white brick fireplace. There is a gorgeous screened in rear porch with its own fireplace and grilling area. The ground floor master suite has its own foyer, and the three other bedroom suites are upstairs off the central hall opening to the front balcony. A bonus guest apartment sits above the garage. Being Mayor does have its perks.

"So…," She tried to start again. "RJ…is the son of…Barry Allen? The Barry Allen? And you had sex with Barry Allen? The Barry Allen?" She sat down next to me with intensity in her eyes. "How could you not tell me this?! This is huge!" She slapped me in the arm with each word.

"Ow! Stop it." I pushed her hand away. I couldn't look at her. I feel so ashamed.

She took a deep breath to calm herself, "This is so huge! How could you keep this secret for so long?" She grabbed both my hands, "This must be tearing you up inside."

Tears started to burn my eyes and a knot formed in my throat. It was hard to speak. I bit my bottom lip, trying to find the courage to speak.

"I kinda understand why you did it. But Caity, there must have been another way." Her voice was sympathetic and sincere.

I swallowed hard to get the knot down, "I know. I know. It was stupid. I wasn't in my right mind. God, could you imagine if Ronnie had found out." I squeezed her hands, "Do you hate me?" I held my breath waiting for her answer.

"God no! I love you Caity. You're my best friend. My sister. I feel like I failed you, because you weren't able to come to me with this." She pulled me in for a long-deserved hug. "Please remember, no matter what happens, I'll always be here for you. I don't care if you kill a guy. I'm here. Thick or thin." We pulled away from each other and tears streamed down both our faces.

She took a sharp breath in, "Oh my God! What are you going to do about Barry?"

I shook my head slowly and shrugged, "I don't know. I'm just going to avoid him as much I possibly can."

That night I was setting the dining room table for dinner and I noticed we had an extra place setting, "Hey Mom?" I called to her in the kitchen.

"Yes, Sweetheart?" she called back.

"You gave me too many plates. There's only 3 of us." Then I heard a soft knock on the door. "No, there's going to be 4 of us. I invited Barry to dinner." She stood at the entry way between the kitchen and dining room with a sly smile on her face. Well there goes trying to avoid him.

"Oh…ok." I tried to sound casual, but panic swept through me. My heart pounded in my ears and sweat glistened on my brow. Wonderful. How am I supposed to ignore him when he is sitting right next to me?

She glided to the front door and opened it wide, "Come on in." She said with a coy smile.

He walked in the door wearing that crooked smile as his eyes darted from my mother to me and then back to my mother. He slipped off his well-used Stetson hat and asked, "Ok if I use the restroom. I just want to wash up before dinner."

"Sure, go ahead." My mother held up her hand directing him down the hall, "You know where it is." He nodded his thanks and quickly walked in that direction.

My mother fused around the dinner table straightening a fork or napkin that wasn't just the way she wanted it. I rolled my eyes behind her head.

"RJ! Dinner's ready!" I called upstairs. He came trampling down the stairs as fast as his little legs would take him. I bent down to pick him up and pulled him in for a hug. I needed to feel his tiny body. Feel his love radiate from him. He gave me strength in a way he would never know.

"Mommy stop," he squirmed. I sat him down on his portable buster seat, strapped him in, then tucked in the chair. "What's for dinner Mommy?" He grabbed his plastic fork waiting for the food.

"Ya hungry?" I asked him, smiling a big toothy grin. He shook his head vigorously. "Beer can chicken with mashed potatoes and watermelon."

"Yummy!" He yelled. I patted his head and went into the kitchen to grab the food for servicing. When I came back, everyone, including Barry was sitting at the table. I stared at him and paused for a moment. My heart was pounding in my ears again and it was difficult to hear anything else. I caught his eyes and my breath hitched. I looked down at the chicken as fast as I could. I placed the plater in the middle of the table and felt lightheaded. I sat down in my chair hard as the room spun slightly.

I need to get a grip on myself. I shook my head trying to clear out my thoughts. "You ok Honey?" My mother asked. "You look a little pale."

"I'm fine." I said quietly as I dabbed the perspiration from my top lip. I breathed slowly trying to calm my nerves. My mother and I sat at either end of the table with Barry on my right and RJ on my left. Barry passed the plater of chicken to me and I took a thigh piece. Our eyes met again, and stomach somersaulted as he smiled at me. What was he doing to me?

We ate with very little conversation. I was thankful for that. My mother and Barry exchanged small talk. How the weather was. What each of them had been up to. How Iris was doing. I had barely touched anything on my plate. I just couldn't eat. I pushed it around like a child not wanting to eat their peas. RJ was doing the same, so I knew he was done. I picked up his plate along with mine and said, "I think it's bath time for some little guy."

"I don't want a bath." He whined.

"It'll be fine." I said mussing up his hair, realizing how similar his hair was to Barry's.

"I want to give my grandson a bath." My mother asked excitedly. I was surprised she wanted to. She usually doesn't want to do anything that requires water or dirt or effort. "Do you mind if I do it tonight?" She looked at me with tender eyes.

I smiled, amazed at her kindness, "Sure. RJ is it ok if Grammy gives you a bath tonight?" I asked him as I wiped off mashed potatoes from his face.

He jumped down from his buster seat, clutched his grandmother's hand, "Come on Grammy. Let's get this over with." She chased him up the stairs, and my heart lightened at their laughter. My unease had softened, and I wasn't so nervous to be in a room alone with Barry Allen.

"Would you like some help with this." He said kindly gesturing to the dinner plates and cups.

"It's fine. You're our guest." I cleaned off the dinning room table and stole a look back at him as I paused in the entry way. He was staring right at me. I could feel my cheeks get hot as the blood ran to my face. I placed the plates in the sink and took a few deep breaths the calm myself again. I didn't want to go back out there looking like a blushing school girl.

When I came out of the kitchen I saw Barry looking at the family photos my mother had on the living room wall. He must have seen me in his peripheral vision because he pointed to a photo and said, "I think I like this one the most." He turned to me and smiled.

He was pointing at a picture of me in my freshman year of high school at the science fair. I was lanky with stringy pig tails, a mouth full of metal and huge glasses. It was a wonder Ronnie ever wanted to be with me. "Ugh. I hate that picture. The memory of that day stills haunts me."

"Why? You look cute." He said poking me in my side.

"Oh please. I look the before picture on like every make over show."

He laughed flippantly, "Why does this day haunt you? Did you get your hair caught in your braces?"

"No. Although that did happen a couple of times." We laughed together.

He squinted and studied the picture a closely. I could see his face light up with the realization of who that little girl is. "Oh my God!" He pointed a finger at me then at the picture and back at me. "You're Killer Frost!" He laughed hard. A sincere laugh from his diaphragm that shook his whole body.

"Please don't call me that." I said bitterly.

"Oh my God! I can't believe all this time. You are Killer Frost!"

"That gerbil would have been in perfect cryosleep if your girlfriend hadn't of messed with my stuff!" I pointed an accusatory finger in his face.

"Wait," he paused to catch his breath and calm his laughter. "What do you mean?"

I sighed. I really didn't want to get into the whole horrid history of Iris Fucking West and myself, but I had to explain. "Your girlfriend and I hated each other in high school." I threw my hands in the air. "I honestly don't know why she hated me, but she would mess with me, so I would mess with her right back." I pointed to the horrible photo and hung my head, "She screwed with my dry ice and ethanol ratio and the gerbil froze to death instantly. Then she screamed out Killer Frost, and everyone chanted along. I'm not proud of this, but I got her back by putting nair in her shampoo bottle." I looked up at his eyes with forgiveness and I saw a twinkle of a smile.

"That explains the wig she wore for a year." He chuckled casually.

"Yup. She had the football team throw me in trash cans every day at lunch. I put icy hot in her spankies before each game. What ever she did to me, I did right back to her."

"I had no idea she was so horrible to you." He placed his hand on my shoulder.

I placed my hand over his, "It's fine. It was in high school. Ancient history." We stood there staring at each other with his hand on my shoulder, and my hand on his. Hair was plastered to his neck from a hard day working in the sun. The earthy scent of fresh corn and dirt lingered on him. He smelled of the outside and it made me feel safe, reminded me of my father.

He cleared his throat. I dropped my hand and took a step back. His hand fell back by his side. He continued to look at our family photos, smiling at ones when I was young, or ones with my father. "I wish you could have met my dad. He was a great guy." I couldn't help myself from saying it. The words just came out on their own. He gave me that crooked smile, and I could feel my knees get weak.

"This one." He stood in front of my wedding photo pointing at it. "I like this one the most."

"Really?" A timid smile spread across my lips. I stared at the photo, remembering the day. I was so young, so happy, so nervous. Ronnie had just gotten back from basic training and he looked so handsome standing tall in his dress uniform. He had lost a little weight from training so hard and I barely recognized him with his short hair, but we were happy that day. We had so many plans. Tears welled up in my eyes.

"You made a very beautiful bride." He said turning to face me again. He cupped my cheek and wiped away the tear rolling down it. My stomach fluttered at his touch, and I don't know what came over me, but I had to kiss him. I pushed myself up on my toes grabbing the back of his neck and crashing my lips into his. This time the kiss wasn't soft and timid, it was deep and hard. He pressed his hands against the flat of my back pushing my body closer to him. There was a hunger, a desperate need behind that kiss, something that wasn't there before. Suddenly, he stopped, pulled me away, gazed into my eyes and he whispered, "Goodnight Cait." Then walked out the door. I stood there for several minutes, not sure how long, not able to move or speak. His kiss still burned on my lips.


	7. Chapter 7

Go ahead and laugh  
Even if it hurts  
Go ahead and pull the pin  
What if we could risk  
Everything we have  
And just let our walls cave in?

Let our walls cave in

-Sleeping At Last

Chapter 7

"I kissed him Felicity! I kissed him!" I paced back and forth in her sun light living room. I had dropped RJ off at school and called Felicity right away. "I'm coming over." I told her. I didn't give her a chance to respond before I hung up. She opened her front door to my frantic knock, "Is Will home?" I asked anxiously.

"No. He just got on the bus to go to school. What's going on?" she asked with panic in her voice. I hadn't brushed my hair and I was wearing sweats and an old tee shirt. I looked like a hobo, so I knew the panic mostly had to do with how I looked.

"I kissed Barry." I sighed heavily and walked past her to plop down on her couch face first.

"Oh my God!" she shouted. She clapped her hands together and said with a hint of laughter, "I'm so glad you moved back."

"I'm glad I can be here for your entertainment." I said sarcastically, my face buried in a decorative couch pillow.

"Oh, stop being so dramatic." She came up to me on the couch and stood over me. "Are you

going to move or are you going to make a pregnant woman sit on the floor?" I sat up with the pillow still covering my face. I screamed into felling a slight release. She berated me with usual barrage of questions of who, what, when, where and why. I told her the "avoiding him" scenario didn't work at all.

"Well? Was it a nice kiss?" she had a girlish grin across her lips.

"It was." I whined. "It was a good kiss. Like a really good kiss." I screamed into the pillow again. "What am I going to do? He's engaged." My words were muffled by the pillow attached to my face.

"What do you want to do?" She pulled the pillow away, and the playful grin on her face had been replaced by questioning eyes.

"I don't know." I howled.

"Do you want to start something with him? Do you want to "date" him?" Her air quotes made me cringe. I don't want to "date" anyone.

"No. I don't know what I want." My head was spinning.

"Then it was only a kiss. You were flattered he that he said you were beautiful. You've been lonely. You got carried away. It meant nothing right?"

"Yeah, of course." I shrugged. I have been lonely, and he has stirred up old feelings in me that I have not experienced in a while. "It meant nothing."

"Then just talk to him. Don't be such a pussy." She laughed so hard her pregnant belly jiggled. I smacked her with the pillow and we both laughed. She is exactly what I needed. I'm so glad I came over. I'm so glad to have my friend back again.

"Just tell him your sorry and it won't happen again." She said after our laughter got under control.

"You're right. I'll just talk to him." I paused for a moment as my stomach twisted from anxiety over the pending conversation. "I'll do it tomorrow."

"Maybe you should do it today." She said in a motherly tone.

"No. I don't think so." She hit me with the pillow.

Felicity brushed my hair and let me borrow some clothes, so I didn't look like a complete mess. We went out for pie and did a little shopping. I welcomed the distraction from my confused feelings about Barry and Ronnie. I called my mom and asked her to pick up RJ from school. She was just happy I was out of the house again. "I'm glad to see you're hanging out with Felicity again. I knew coming home would be good for you." She always had to boast when she's right. But she was right. Even though being home sprung up memories of my father, there were some good memories too. Memories of Felicity and me dancing around in my bedroom to Kelly Clarkson's "Breakaway". Getting ready for Prom. Ronnie proposing to me on my front porch. The warmth of these memories envelopes me.

I got home about 2:30, Felicity had to get going since Will would be getting home from school soon. She liked to be there when he got home. When I walked in the door I saw RJ on the floor playing with Barry. My heart stopped.

"Mommy!" RJ ran up to me and hugged my legs. I picked him up and rested his weight on my hip. "Look what Mister Allen gave me." He held up a green tracker.

"Very cool. Did you tell Mister Allen thank you?" I gave him a kiss on his chubby cheek then set him down. Barry stood up from the floor with that damn crooked smile on his face.

"Thank you, Mister Allen, for the tracker." RJ said sincerely.

"You can call me Barry, and you are very welcome." He mussed RJ's hair. RJ went back to the floor and started counting all his cars.

"That was really nice of you." I said trying to avoid meeting his eyes.

"It's nothing. I noticed he liked cars and he didn't have a tracker, so…" He trailed off. He was avoiding looking at me as well. His rubbed the back of his neck as we stood there silent.

"Are you going to be my daddy now?" RJ asked not looking up from his cars. I nearly chocked on my tongue and my eyes bulged with surprise.

"Why would you ask that sweetie?" I managed to ask.

"We need a new daddy." He looked up with those innocent green eyes and tears formed at the edges of my lids. I faked a smile and opened my mouth to say something, when Barry held up his hand to stop me. He mouthed, "It's ok." I sucked in a deep breath and held it. He knelt next to RJ and gave him a big grin. RJ smiled back at him. They stared at each other with the same green eyes. Panic coursed through me and my heart pounded against my chest as I thought, do they know? Deep down, does RJ know?

"I don't think your Mommy is ready for a new daddy." I saw Barry's eyes dart up at me then back to RJ.

"But I like you. What if I don't like the new daddy Mommy picks?" My heart shattered at those words.

"You have a great Mommy and she loves you very much. She will make sure that chooses a daddy you like." Barry's kind words were not making it easy for me. I wanted to hug him. Hold him close and scream the truth. But I couldn't. Not now…maybe not ever.

"Ok. I guess." They gave each other a fist bump then blew it up. I didn't know RJ knew to do that. A smile spread across my lips and I let out the breath I had been holding. My lungs ached from the lack air. I left nail marks in my palm, I didn't realize I had been making balls with my fists so tight.

Barry mussed RJ's hair again then stood up. I mouthed, "Thank you," as the tears finally broke through and rolled down my face freely. He wiped them away again, and we stood there for a moment gazing into each other's eyes with his hand on my cheek. He seems to always be there to wipe away my tears.

I heard my mother clear her throat. Barry dropped his hand, and we took a step away from each other. How long had she been there?

"Are you staying for dinner again, Barry?" she asked coyly.

"No," he grabbed his hat from the coffee table. "I have some things I need to do tonight. Thank you for the offer." He placed his hat low on his head and tipped his brim to bid my mother goodbye. "Bye Buddy," he said to RJ.

"Bye Mister, uh, Barry." RJ said loudly waving his hand vigorously.  
"Goodnight Cait." He said softly to me.

I stare at the dark shadows dancing on my bedroom ceiling. I can't sleep. I don't want to dream. I don't want to dream of him. Why did I kiss him? I've been tossing and turning for hours now. I can't stop thinking about that kiss. The warmth of his lips. His hands on my back. Why did I kiss him?

I crawled out of bed and sat on the window seat of my bedroom window. My room was on the eastern side of the house which looked directly into Barry's room. The lights were out in his house. Was he sleeping? I could hear the low tink of chains from his porch swing swaying in light wind. The sound my old swing set groaned along with it in the delicate April breeze.

I needed some air to clear my head. I strolled outside in my white nightgown and bare feet. There was a full moon out and the back yard was flooded with bright moonlight. Full moon, is that why I'm acting crazy? I sat on the small swing, closed my eyes and began to float back and forth slowly. The weightlessness of the swing made me feel childlike. I smiled as the wind played with my hair, feeling the cool air on my neck and shoulders. The sweet scent of the corn fields filled the night air, and I breathed it in deeply.

"Couldn't sleep either, huh?" His soft familiar voice carried to me on the wind. My stomach flipped. I didn't want to see him, but I hoped I would. I wanted him in a way I couldn't explain.

"No." I stopped the swing and slowly walked over to him. He wore loose pajama bottoms and no shirt. His bare chest glistened slightly in the bright moonlight. Had he been sweating? He had bare feet too. I smiled at this. Ronnie hated being bare foot, he thought it was "unsanitary", he always had socks on. I was always bare foot when I could be. As soon as I get home I take off my shoes and socks off and walk around with bare feet.

Our houses used to be separated by a tall wooden fence for privacy, but that came down once Barry bought the property. Now the back yards have a small picket fence separating them. I placed my hands on the top of the fence, he did the same, placing his hands close enough for the sides of our palms to touch. It was enough to cause a twinge between my legs and a missed heartbeat.

"Can I ask you something?" I broke the silence between us.

"Sure." His crooked smile appeared.

"Why did you call me Cait?" I didn't mind it. Felicity called me Caity, which I thought was endearing. Ronnie called me Caity Bear, which I hated. He started calling me that when he won a stuffed Care Bear for me at our school carnival. We had just started dated "officially" and he thought it was cute. Every time he called me Caity Bear, I would tell him "Don't call me that. It's stupid." And he would reply, "No, it's cute, just like me." He would give me a big cheesy smile and kiss my face all over, and we would laugh so hard our sides hurt. He stopped calling me Caity Bear over the last couple of years. I miss it.

Barry shrugged, "I don't know. It felt right."

"Ok…" I said nodding my head hiding my smile. It did feel right.

"Do you want me to stop?" he asked earnestly.

"No." I said too quickly. "It's fine…I like it." I couldn't hide my smile any longer. We stood for a moment, smiling, unmoving, sides of our palms touching.

"I'm sorry." We said in unison. We chuckled slightly, and he motioned for me to continue. "I'm sorry I kissed you." I began. His eyes glinted in the pale light. "I'm just not thinking straight right now. I just lost Ronnie and I've been thinking about the night we spent together, and…" I hung my head down ashamed. "I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for." He said softly and gently placed a finger under my chin, lifting my head and stared into my eyes. "I kissed you back." I could feel the heat from his body. I wanted to run my fingers down his bare chest. I couldn't hold his gaze, I pulled my chin away from his hand. I need to stop thinking of him that way. "I've been thinking about that night too and..." He let his hand fall by his side. "I'm the one who should be sorry."

"But your engaged." I retorted back. "I should have known better."

"You just lost your husband. I shouldn't have taken advantage of you like that." I could hear the anguish in his voice. He was hurting as much as I was.

"You didn't take advantage of me." I tried to assure him.

"Yes, I did." He argued. "I think I have feelings for you, but I'm not sure." He took a step back. "I don't know if it's cold feet about the wedding or if it's because Iris isn't here…but I think about you, a lot." He sighed as if a huge relief had been lifted from his conscience. "I do pull ups whenever I think about you."

That explains the glistening chest. I had no idea he felt this way. I can't break up his relationship. I couldn't live with myself if he left Iris because of me. Even though I hate her with ever fiber of my being, I couldn't do that. "Maybe both of us are just lonely and with our…history, it makes things more confusing."

He shrugged and nodded his head in agreement. "Is Iris coming home soon?" I asked.

"In a couple weeks. We're going to take care of the final preparations for the wedding."

"See?" I gave him a big fake smile. "I think the pending wedding has you a little frazzled. You'll be fine once you see the love of your life."

"Sure. It's just…" he trailed off.

"What? It's ok. You can talk to me if you need to." The tension in my body had released knowing he was just as confused as me.

"I sometimes have a hard time trusting Iris." He had moved closer to me. My nipples contracted as they lightly grazed his chest.

"Why? If you don't mind me asking." I reached out for his hand. He gladly grasped onto it and brushed his thumb across the top of my hand.

"Don't worry about it. It's my insecurity." His back stiffened, he dropped my hand and his demeaner hardened. "I have an idea." He blurted out. "How about we start over? Just friends."

I was taken aback by his abrupt attitude change, but I thought it would be good if we started over. It wouldn't be easy to stop thinking about him, but when Iris gets here it will be easier to avoid him. She'll have all his free time and then some. "I like that idea." I smiled, held out my hand for a handshake. He grasped mine gingerly, "Friends." He said.

"Friends." I repeated. We let our hands fall away from each other. We stood motionless. Bodies close, feeling each other's breath. I felt another twinge between my legs again. I would need to take care of that when I got back to my room. "I better go back in." I started. "It's getting chilly." I enjoyed the cool air, I just needed an excuse to leave. I turned to walk away.

"Hey Cait?" he called.

"Yeah?" I turned back around anxiously. Wanting him to tell me not to go.

"I can see through your nightgown." He had a spirited smile on his face.

"I know." I said as the same spirited smile spread across my lips.


	8. Chapter 8

I wanted to post this one yesterday with the other chapter, but I didn't get a chance to finish it. So i finished it up this morning. Enjoy!

* * *

I can start it over  
And find somebody new  
A beautiful distraction  
Just a hand to hold on to  
But if you asked me  
Would that love be true?

I want to taste you again  
Like a secret or a sin  
Breathin' out, breathin' in  
There is no one else for me  
But you  
Only you

-Matthew Perryman Jones

Chapter 8

5 years ago – Barry's Journal Entry

My dad died today. He gave me this journal for my sixteenth birthday. He told me that real men don't keep their feelings in. I thought whatever, that's stupid. I was 16. I was stupid. Now he's gone, and I don't think I ever thank him for it. I have been packing up some of his things over the last few weeks. The hospice nurse said it would be easier if I started early. I don't know if she meant physically or mentally. Either way, it's not easy. I found this journal in his night stand. It still had the clear plastic wrapping on it. I held the journal and cried for an hour. My father was my hero and now he's gone. I don't know what to do now, but I thought I should write in this journal, as a way to talk to him.

* * *

I called Iris to tell her the news. She was devastated of course. She loved you. She's going to take the next flight out of Metropolis. She's been doing an internship at the Daily Planet and working with Lois Lane. I'm very proud of her. She hasn't been home in 4 months. It seems like a long time for her to be away since we just got back together. I never told you, because you were sick, and I didn't want you to worry, but Iris and I broke up a little over a year ago.

I was driving back home to come take care of you. I left school, even though you told me not to. You said I only had a year left and I shouldn't throw it away. How could I stay in school with you going in and out of the hospital? Anyways, I thought I'd stop in and say hi to Iris on my way home. I brought her flowers and I thought it would be a nice surprise. But I was the one who got the surprise. I got to her dorm room door and I could hear loud groans. I opened the door and saw Iris riding some blonde Thor looking mother fucker (sorry about the bad language Dad). They didn't even notice me for like five minutes. Iris glanced my way and screamed. She covered herself up and told the guy, Eddie, I think his name was, to stop. "Barry!" she said standing up on wobbling legs.

I was furious. How could she do that to me? To us? I turned to storm out the door and she caught my arm. "Barry wait." She begged.

"Why should I?" I stared at her smeared make up and my blood boiled. I couldn't even look at the guy still in her bed.

"We said we were going to see other people. Why are you so mad." She said innocently.

"We talked about possibly seeing other people, not just go around fucking any one we want." I said angrily. "How would you feel if you saw me having sex with someone else?"

She thought for a moment, "I would be fine with it. I'm secure with our relationship that we can explore other people and still love each other." She moved in to hug me and I pushed her away.

"You're just trying to rationalize this situation. The fact is I never agreed to see other people. How many have there been?" She looked at me stunned and ashamed. I turned to the door and with my hand on the door knob I said, "I've had enough of your shit Iris. I'm done. This is over. For all I care you can fuck the whole student body." Then I walked out the door. She called after me, but I just kept going. I drove full steam home. Iris killed my phone with calls and text messages that I ignored.

I remember the rain started coming down and it gave me a chill. I don't know why, but something in my bones told me my life was about to change. At that moment my tire blew. I pulled over and checked for a spare that wasn't there. I thought, "Shit!" I was stuck with a dead phone and no spare. I turned on my flashers and prayed someone would stop. Car after car went by and I thought I was going to spend the night in my car. I could see headlights coming up in the distance and got out one last time to flag them down. At first, I thought they were going to pass me by just like everyone else, but the car stopped and backed up. She rolled down the passenger window and asked, "You need a lift?"

I told her, "I just need to use your phone. Mines dead, and I don't have my charger. I just want to call a tow truck." I didn't know her, but there was something familiar about her. Something in her smile. She was beautiful. She had dark chestnut hair that was pulled up into a ponytail. Her chocolate brown eyes were sad and swollen as if she had been crying for several hours.

I leaned into the passenger window and she said, "You're never gonna get a tow truck out here at this time and in this rain. I was going to stop at the next hotel. Why don't we split the room? I won't have to pay full price, and you can dry off and then call someone in the morning." I was blown away that a perfect stranger would be so kind to me. Something told me not to get in the car, but looking back on it now, if I had to do it over again, I would get in that car every single time.

She gave me a towel from a duffel bag in her back seat. I told her thanks and I was grateful that she stopped. She made some bad joke about me being an axe murderer, but I think it eased the tension a little because we both laughed. We didn't talk much on the way to the motel, which is fine because I didn't feel much like talking. I was still upset with Iris and worried I wasn't going to get to you till the next day.

We arrived at this creepy motel off the highway. I don't remember what it was called, but it looked like the Bates Motel, which we looked at each other and said at the same time. She got a room that had two twin beds.

I asked, "Do you need to use the bathroom first? I was going to take a shower, if that's ok with you? I just want to get out of these wet clothes and warm up a bit."

She told me, "Have at it." I was heading for the bathroom when she stopped me by saying, "Wait. I have something you can wear." I didn't think she could possibly have something I could wear. I got a picture in my head of me wearing a baby doll nightgown.

"It's an old tee shirt that was my dad's. I use it as a night shirt. You're gonna need to hang those clothes up to dry." she said. She gave me an old faded Superman tee shirt, and you know how much I love Superman. I thought for a moment how crazy is this? Here is this beautiful young woman who has shown me more kindness than Iris ever has in the years we've been together. I told her thanks and went to the bathroom to take a shower.

By the time I got out of the shower she was asleep. I walked over to her and whispered, "Thank you. Whoever you are." I moved a small strand of hair away from her face. I wanted to touch her, caress her smooth porcelain face, but I knew I couldn't. She was married. I saw her wedding ring when we were in the car. But she had a loneliness about her. She seems so strong, but that strength is hiding a frailty that calls to me. I gazed a moment longer to engrain her image into my memory, then I slipped into the next bed and fell asleep right away.

I was woken up by her sometime in the middle of the night. The rain had stopped, and it was quiet outside. I was a little dazed, so at first, I wasn't sure if it was a dream or not. I could hear her heavy breaths as she slipped into bed with me. She placed her hand on my cheek and kissed me. I knew it was wrong, and I tried to pull away. I started to say, "But you're married." Except she laid a finger on my lips to stop me and she said, "Ssshhhhh. It's ok. I want this." Ours lips touched, timidly and unsure, but electricity shot through me. It was nothing I had ever experienced before. I could sense her hesitation and tasted the salt from her tears on her lips. I tried to pull away again, but she pulled me closer to her and deepened our kiss. She found my already hard cock and opened her legs to me.

I should have stopped her. I could have stopped her…if I wanted to, but this beautiful woman wanted me. I don't know why or what was going on with her marriage, but she needed me and at that moment I needed her too. I needed to feel her touch, her lips, the warmth of her body, the beating of her heart.

I wrapped my arm around her small waist and pulled her underneath me. I sheathed my cock inside her, and we moaned together. She opened her mouth and I kissed her deep till we were breathless. My body was on fire with pleasure, and I could feel her tightening around my cock. Her hands traveled down my back to my buttocks and squeezed each cheek, pushing me in deeper. She sucked in a quick breath, shifted her hips and bucked them against me. I almost lost it when she bit down on my shoulder to stifle her scream, but I held on. I didn't want this to end. I could feel fresh tears on her cheeks. I wondered if they were from the orgasm or something else. It didn't matter, I still wiped them away.

Her body felt soft and warm, and I wanted nothing more than to hold onto her forever. I wanted to keep her safe in my arms, but I knew I couldn't keep her. I was reaching climax, and I started to thrust faster. I groaned loudly as her walls contracted around me preparing for another orgasm. I buried my face in her sweet-smelling hair, brushing her supple neck with my lips. I wrapped my arms around her tighter, making a finale deep thrust and we released together.

I wanted to tell her to stay with me. I wanted to tell her I needed her. I wanted to ask her name. My mind was reeling with questions and I didn't care about any of the answers if it meant she would stay with me. I opened to mouth to ask my many questions, but she stopped me with soft kiss. I stared at her beautiful hurting eyes and I knew I would never know the answer to my questions.

I woke the next morning and she was gone. Now I'm left with the ghost of a woman who I can't stop thinking about. Wondering about the "what if". Dreaming about her beautiful face every night and wondering if she still thinks of me.


	9. Chapter 9

Sorry it has been so long since I posted anything. My husband has had some health issues and it has been hard to concentrate. I have 2 more chapters that I've already started, so hopefully I will be able to post those soon.

* * *

Open up next to you and my secrets become your truth

And the distance between that was sheltering me comes in full view

Hang my head, break my heart built from all I have torn apart

And my burden to bear is a love I can't carry anymore

-Sara Bareilles

Chapter 9

Barry and I clean the dishes after dinner. Over the last couple of weeks, we have fallen into a routine. Barry comes over for dinner, my mother gives RJ his bath and gets him ready for bed, then Barry and I clean up. We clear the table and I fill the sink with hot soupy water and start washing the dishes. He wipes down the counters and the stove, then dries and puts the dishes away. Sometimes we talk, sometimes we work in comfortable silence, either way, we have a pleasant rhythm together.

Ronnie and I had a similar routine, when he was home. I would clean up and he would do the dishes. Since I had to do everything when he was gone, he cleaned the dishes when he was home. He would wear my pink floral apron every time he did the dishes. He looked so silly, but he knew I thought it was funny, so he wore it for me.

"You okay?" Barry asked concerned. He startled me out of my thoughts.

"Yeah. Why?" I tried to smile at his sparkling eyes.

"You've been staring out the window and washing that dish for about 10 minutes. I think it's clean now." He chuckled.

"Oh…sorry." I rinsed the dish off and placed it in the drying rack. Embarrassment flushed my face as I continued to feebly smile at him. My smile quickly faded as his eyes turned away.

"Are you sure you're okay? You seem preoccupied tonight." He placed a hand on my shoulder. His steadiness gave me comfort and I took a deep breath. I didn't realize that I had been breathing shallow and my lungs welcomed the deep inhalation of air.

"I was just thinking about Ronnie." A single tear rolled down my cheek. He wiped it away and put his hand back on my shoulder. "I started thinking about how we would clean up together." He pulled me into his arms for a warm soothing embrace. I wrapped my arms around his back, laid my head on his shoulder and felt some of the tension leave my body.

"You don't talk about him much." He whispered into my ear. His breath was warm on my neck. He loosened his embrace to look me in the eyes. "You want to tell me more? Maybe getting it out will make you feel better."

"It still hurts to talk about him." I said softly pulling my eyes away. Saying that out load I realize I haven't talked about him since he died. I think about him constantly, but I haven't talked about him. Not even to RJ.

"I know it hurts." He said consolingly. "When my dad died I thought I would go crazy with grief, but Iris was there for me. She took care of the funeral arrangements and the wake. I didn't have to do anything. She didn't want me to feel alone and overwhelmed, and I'm grateful to her for that. She encouraged me to talk about him. About anything. The more I talked about him, the better I felt." He gently turned my face to gaze into his sparkling smiling eyes.

"It's just the little things." I started quietly. "He used to wear my pink floral apron when he would do the dishes." A small smile spread across my lips. "He would talk like Julia Child and give a step by step description of cleaning the dishes. I would laugh so hard every time he did it." I laughed slightly, and once again tears formed in my eyes as I pictured him standing in front of the sink wearing that damn apron saying, "Now this dish is filthy. What you have to do is scrub the dickens out of it."

"His impersonation of Julia Child was awful." I said laughing as tears fell off my face. It felt good to laugh out loud. Like a burden weighing on my chest had lessened. It wasn't completely gone, but the grip of grief loosened its hold, and I could breathe again.

Barry chuckled along with me, "I wish I could have seen his awful impersonation. And I would definitely want to see him in that apron." We stood in each other's arms for several minutes. The echoes of our laughter dying in the fluorescent light of the kitchen. His arms gave me comfort and strength. I welcomed their warmth as if I had been out in the cold for hours.

"Our anniversary is coming up next week." I said softly.

"Happy early anniversary." He whispered running his fingers gently through my hair. "You can still celebrate it, you know. It might feel good to do something, to remember him…remember your marriage."

"I don't know." I hesitated. "I think it would just be sad. A lonely widow celebrating a marriage the doesn't exist anymore."

"It doesn't have to be sad. We could have a party, or you and your mom could do something special." He suggested cheerfully.

I shook my head in protest, "No…I think I'll just spend the day alone."

"That's no way to spend an anniversary. What did you guys do last year?" he asked optimistically.

"We usually did something special like a carriage ride through the park or one year he named a

star after me. We even went skydiving one year." I paused remembering those days early in our marriage when we were happy together. An ache burned inside my stomach as the memory of last year's anniversary washed over me. A disappointment that bubbled up inside me, "We went out to dinner. That's it." I paused again, listening to his steady heartbeat. "I wanted us to go to a local meteor shower that was happening that night. I had been dropping hints about it for weeks, but I guess…he didn't get the hint." A feeble uncomfortable laugh escaped my lips.

"I'm fine now." I said as I released myself from Barry's arms. "I really don't want to talk about him anymore." I said coldly. I saw a look of defeat flash across his face. "Thank you…it did help a little." I said shakily.

"You're welcome." He said not looking at me. We continued to finish up the dishes in silence.

When I was done washing, I jumped up on the counter and waited for him to finish drying. He still wouldn't look at me, and I felt bad about how I reacted. I know he was just trying to help me. I didn't want him to leave tonight thinking I was upset with him. I wasn't. I was upset with myself. Upset with my memories. Upset that I wasn't the perfect wife, and Ronnie wasn't the perfect husband. I wanted a perfect marriage, but there is no such thing as perfect. I know we were happy for a long time, but time was our down fall. Over the last few years, he had been distant. We both had been distant, and that's what I was upset about.

"Hey Barry?" I asked softly as he's dried the last plate.

"Yeah?" He said still not looking at me.

I wanted to change the subject. Get him talking again, so he knows I'm not upset with him. "Wasn't Iris supposed to come home last week? I thought you guys were going to finish up the wedding plans."

"Yeah." He said tentatively. "She had to do some on research on an article or something. I don't know." He sounded cold, dismissive. He put the plate in its home and tossed the dish towel on the counter. "She said she was going to come home in a couple weeks."

"Does that push the wedding back?" I asked concerned.

"I don't know, maybe." He said heavily. "Look, I really don't want to talk about the wedding."

"What's this about a wedding?" My mother chimed in as she walked into the kitchen. I slipped off the counter and quickly glanced at Barry. He wore a timid smile, but his eyes never looked my way. Could she sense the tension in the air? Her eyes moved from me to Barry with a cautious smile.

I cleared my throat, it was suddenly very dry, "I was asking Barry about his wedding plans."

She clapped her hands together and pressed them against her chest, "Oh! I have a wonderful idea." I could see the wheels spinning in her head. "You should have Caitlin help you the wedding plans. She threw together a beautiful wedding with a very little budget and little time." I never knew she felt that way, and an involuntary smile of pride spread across my lips.

"Barry doesn't want my help." I objected shaking my head. I glanced his way, our eyes locked and his crooked smile returned, "I'll have to talk it over with Iris first but thank you for the suggestion."

"Well, I think it's a fine idea. Iris can concentrate on work and Caitlin can be the wedding planner." She had a glowing smile on her lips. My stomach turned at the thought of working with Iris to plan her wedding. What was my mother thinking?

"Is RJ in bed?" I asked her to try to change the subject as fast as possible.

"Yes." My mother said. "He is ready for his bedtime story."

"I'm going to go tuck him in."

"I'll stay here and talk with Barry a little bit more about my idea." She said as leaned against the same counter I had been sitting on.

I left the kitchen and climbed the stairs to RJ's little room. My mother had repurposed my father's old home office and made it a nice little boys' room with dinosaurs all over the walls. I slowly pushed his door open, "Hey monkey. You ready for bed?"

"Yeah." He said looking a little troubled.

"How about we read "Goodnight Moon" tonight? It's your favorite."

He hesitated a moment, not looking at me. "I want Barry to read to me." I had always read him a bedtime story. Even when Ronnie was home, RJ always wanted me to read to him. "Please don't be upset Mommy." I saw the concern in his eyes, "Oh Monkey, I'm not upset," I said sitting next to him and running my fingers through his soft fine dark hair. "It's ok if you want someone else to read to you. I think Barry was going home soon though."

"Can you ask him? Please Mommy." He pleaded.

"I'll go ask." I said with a smile. My heart was a little heavy with disappointment. I loved reading to him. Making noise or sounds to go along with the book. It was our special time together.

I went back down stairs and found my mother and Barry were still in the kitchen talking about wedding plans. I caught their attention with I walked in, "He wants you to read him a bedtime story."

Barry looked shocked, and a bright smile lit up his face, "I can't believe he wants me to read to him. That's so cute." He headed for the kitchen doorway then turned, "You don't mind, do you?"

"Of course not." I smiled back at him, even though I did.

"That's interesting." My mother said when he was out of sight.

"What do you mean?" I asked, knowing full well what she meant.

"RJ never wants anyone else but you to tuck him in. He's really getting attached to Barry." She paused. "I don't know if that's a good thing."

"Why not? Barry is my friend. It's good for RJ to have a good male role model."

"And what happens when Barry starts his own family?" she asked with an air of condescension.

"We live next door. They can still be friends. RJ might even become friends with Barry's kids." The thought of Barry's children made my heart sink. RJ will never know that Barry is really his dad, and the children he has with that woman will be his brothers and sisters. But he will never know.

I turned my back and scrubbed a clean spot on the counter.

"Caitlin?" my mother asked. I didn't turn around. "Caitlin?" she asked again, and I still didn't turn around. "When are you going to tell him?"

My heart pounded in my ears and sweat moistened my brow, "Tell who what?" I tried to ask as my throat tightened.

"Tell Barry that he is RJ's father." She paused, letting the revelation of her knowledge sink in. "Yes, I've known for a long time now." She answered my silent question and continued, "When I met Barry, I thought he looked familiar, but I just wasn't sure why. I have watched that boy grow up and I've seen pictures of Barry as a little boy and I can tell you RJ is practically a carbon copy of Barry. They have the same green eyes, same mannerisms, same facial expressions. I don't know how, and I don't know why, but he is RJ's father. I am sure of it."

I turned to face her, and tears were streaming down my face. "Oh sweetheart." She took me into her arms and held onto me while my body shook with sobs. "You don't have to tell me now, but I do want to know what happened." She whispered.

I didn't see Barry leave. I had already gone to my room. I heard him and my mother mumble good nights and the front door close. I watched him walk into his house from my bedroom window. Now I sit here, listening to Adele singing about finding a love by accident trying to get a glimpse of him in his room. I know I need to tell him. He deserves to know. I'm so scared though. Scared of what he might think of me. Scared that he will hate me. "It was in the darkest of my days when you took my sorrow and you took my pain and buried them away, buried them away." Adele sang on. She was right. He did take my pain away. He gave something I had always wanted, and when I'm with him I feel comfort and warmth. My heart fluttered with anticipation. I'm going to tell him. I'm going over to his house in the morning and tell him the truth.

The next morning, I woke up early, before RJ had to be at school, and marched over to Barry's house. I knocked on his door with determination and I grit my teeth anxiously. My heart pounded in my ears. No matter the out come, he deserves to know.

"Can I help you?" Iris said as she opened the door.


	10. Chapter 10

I wanted to thank everyone for all their well wishes for me and my husband. I really appreciate everyone being patient with me. It's been hard to concentrate lately and I've been working on these 2 chapters for a few weeks. All your wonderful reviews have kept be going. I hope you guys enjoy the next 2 chapters and I hope they were worth the wait. You guys are the best!

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Hey stranger when may I call you my own?  
I know I don't know you, but there's somewhere I've seen you before  
Whatever your name is, whatever you do  
This living between us I'm willing to lose  
Just call me if ever our paths may collide  
I want you to hold me under these darkening skies  
Whoever you love now, whoever you kiss  
The ones in-between us I'm willing to miss

-Peter Bradley Adams

Chapter 10

4 years ago - Barry's Journal Entry

I proposed to Iris today. I'm not sure why I did, it just seemed like the natural progression of our relationship. She said yes, of course, and I should be ecstatic about it, but I just feel empty. She has been talking about getting married lately, maybe that's why I proposed, but I just keep thinking, that her career as a journalist is starting to take off and maybe marriage isn't the right thing for her right now. She spends a lot of time away in Central City and that makes me apprehensive. I don't know if I trust her yet. I don't know if I trust myself. For a while, when we got back together, I thought things would go back to the way they were, like when we were in high school, but we were just kids then and things change, people change…I've changed. I still love Iris, I know I always will. She was there for me when you died, and I can't image what a wreck I would have been without her. I just don't know if I love her the same way I used to.

We made love tonight, and it felt like an act of necessity…not love. I feel a disconnect when we have sex. Almost like we're both somewhere else. Like our hearts aren't in it. I don't know. It sounds stupid now that I'm writing it down. Maybe it's just me, because I'm sitting here in bed with her naked body lying next to me, listening to her breathing, but all I can think about is Caitlin. My ghost. I often picture her face. Her sad brown eyes, revealing an inner pain that I wanted to take away. That I needed to take away. The feel of her body next to mine. The taste of her sweet lips. The catch of her breath as we made love. The beating of her heart against mine. That one night we spent together means more to me than all the nights I have since spent with Iris. And it's crazy, I know that. To feel this way about someone I barely knew. Someone who, for a while, I didn't even know her name.

Before I found out who she was, I used to look for her everywhere. I would catch a glimpse of someone with her similar body frame, or similar hair color and hope that it was her. I wished that every turn down a grocery store aisle would put me face to face with her. I used to imagine walking into a coffee shop and see her sitting there, alone, and I would walk up to her and say, "Hey Stranger." And she would smile at me and I would sit down, and we would talk until the place closed. But it never happened. And I would still give up everything just to hold her again.

I still remember when I found out who she was finally. I went over to Carla's for dinner about a year ago to kind of celebrate our arrangement with her land. I was in the living room waiting for her to come out of the kitchen when I noticed she had a lot of photos of her family on the main wall leading into the dining room. That's when I saw my ghost. I knew immediately it was her. A vice gripped my heart and I couldn't breathe.

It was a wedding photo. She was young. Younger than when we met. She wore a simple white wedding gown. I'm not sure about the fabric (because I am a guy), but it had off-the-shoulder swag sleeves, and a flowing skirt with a short veil that was attached to a pearl headband. She was simply breathtaking. "Who's this?" I asked shakily, pointing to the photo as Carla entered the room. She wore a proud motherly smile and said, "That's my daughter, Caitlin."

Caitlin. I said her name a thousand times in my head. My hand unconsciously reached out and touched her face in the picture. The world faded away and all I could see was her face. My ghost had a name…Caitlin.

"She got married right out of high school." Carla went on when I didn't say anything. "I was not happy about it, but I have never been able to talk her out of an idea once she gets it in her head." She paused for a moment waiting for me to say something, but I just kept staring at that picture. "I'm a grandma, if you can believe it. They have a baby and he's going to be a year old soon. They tried for several years with no luck, and then just when they were about to lose hope, boom, she's pregnant." She watched me for several minutes, probably thinking what a weirdo I was for obsessing over this picture. "Do you know her?" she asked finally.

I wasn't sure what to say. Yes, I know her, we spent the night together once a lifetime ago. I didn't think that would go over too well so I said, "She looks familiar, but I'm not sure where I've seen her."

"Well," she thought for a moment. "You two are close in age. Maybe you went to the same school." She walked over to another picture on the wall and I tore myself away from the wedding photo to look at the other one. I saw the familiar school colors as Caitlin wore a red cap and gown with a goldenrod stole, holding a sign that said, "Go Crows".

"That's it." I managed to say. "We went to the same high school."

"Well that's wonderful." She said clapping her hands together. "You guys will have to have a sort of school reunion when you meet."

"That would be nice." I said through clenched teeth. That would be a wonderfully awkward reunion.

"Go Crow's!" she said jokingly with her fist in the air. I laughed uncomfortably at her joke.

"Dinners ready." She said changing the subject. She smiled coyly and guided me to a chair in the dining room. I forced myself to eat, even though my stomach was turning. I didn't want to upset my host or make her suspicious with my strange behavior. I tried to make polite conversation, but a spark of anger flashed through me. I kept thinking, why would she sleep with me when she was married? Did they separate for a short time? Was she mad at him? Was she trying to get back at him for something? And they have a child. I felt used. Like I was a pawn in some sick game she was playing.

After dinner I apologized for being poor dinner company and excused myself early. As I headed for the front door, I gazed at the wedding photo again and all my anger melted away. I couldn't be angry with her. She was hurting that night just as much as I was. She had been crying, I'm certain of it. It wasn't a game. She did use me, but in a way, I used her too. She needed me that night, just as much as I needed her. But now, I'm sure, I'm nothing but a faded memory to her.

So, I will marry Iris because she loves me, and I think we could be happy together. I'm sure over time I will love Iris the same again, but I will always hold a small piece of my heart for Caitlin.


	11. Chapter 11

You taught me the courage of stars before you left

How light carries on endlessly even after death

With shortness of breath you explained the infinite

How rare and beautiful it is to even exist

-Sleeping At Last

Chapter 11

Today is my anniversary. I told my mom to take RJ to school because I'm not getting out of bed today. She started to protest but closed her mouth and agreed. I have my wedding album, a box of tissues and I'm ready to celebrate my anniversary. I know Barry told me it wasn't a good idea to spend this day alone, but I haven't seen or talked to him since I went to his house and that bitch, Iris, answered the door.

I can't believe he is engaged to that horrible woman. What does he see in her? She answered the door wearing nothing but one of his plaid shirts. She was probably waiting for him when he got home, and he was so happy to see her they had sex right there in the living room. My stomach turned at the thought.

I was so stunned when she answered the door, I didn't say anything, I just stood there staring at the woman who single handedly ruined my high school years. I often wondered what I would do if I saw her again. My mother's asinine idea of helping with the wedding rang in my ears. How could I help this woman with her wedding? I hated her, and she hated me. She asked again, with a little more attitude this time, "Can I help you?"

I cleared my throat and asked, "Is Barry home?" She looked me up and down with suspicious eyes then turned her head and called back for Barry. He was quickly beside her, and said, "Yeah. What's up?" He was wearing my old Superman tee shirt I gave him. I felt a twinge in my chest. He really did still have my shirt and he still wore it. I couldn't stop the smile that spread across my lips.

He saw me on the porch and said, "Oh hey, Caitlin."

Once he said my name, Iris started laughing like a hyena. "Oh my God! This is Killer Frost!" She looked me over again, "Well look at you all grown up."

"Nice to see you too Iris." I said. Hopefully it didn't come across as sarcastically as I thought it. "And please don't call me that."

"What? Killer Frost? I thought you liked your nickname." She had a malicious smile on her face. The same fucking smile she had in high school. "Fine I won't call you that…to your face." She laughed a hard cackle which made her sound like a villain with an evil plan.

"Iris come on." Barry nudge her. "Stop. Ok? We're not in high school anymore." He came to my rescue, but I could still feel Iris staring at me with watchful eyes. He turned to me and asked, "What's going on?"

My heart sank. I wanted to tell him the truth. He needed to know. He deserved to know, but I couldn't do it with Iris Fucking West standing right next to him, so I said the first thing that came to mind, "I like your shirt." And I laughed awkwardly.

"What? This old thing." He pulled on the shirt and laughed along with me. I liked having something that was just ours. Iris didn't get why we were laughing at the shirt, but I knew, and he knew, and that was something she couldn't taint.

Iris squinted her eyes slightly and shifted them from him then to me apprehensively, then tried to laugh along with us and say, "I've tried to get rid of it for years, but he just refuses. He says it has sentimental value. What kind of shirt has sentimental value, am I right?"

She waited for me to agree with her. "I don't think so." I said plainly. "I think anything could have sentimental value. It just depends on the memory or event that is attached to that item. Even a tee shirt."

He nudged her with his shoulder again and said, "See." Iris stared at me with burning eyes, and I knew I needed to change the subject quickly. I did my best to think of a quick lie and said "RJ. RJ wanted me to come over and tell you he says thank you for reading to him last night." It wasn't my best work, and I'm sure she saw through it, but Barry smiled and said, "You can tell him I said it's no problem. I'd be happy to do it anytime." He glanced over to Iris, "You should meet Caitlin's son, he's a great kid."

She wore a fake smile, "Yeah, sounds great." She wrapped her arm around his waist and pulled him closer to her, as if to show her ownership.

"Well, I should be going." I said uncomfortably. "I got to get that great kid ready for school."

"Maybe you could bring him by later. You know, so he can meet Iris." He said as I was walking away.

"Yeah…maybe." I called back and waved.

"Hey!" Iris yelled. I stopped dead in my tracks and turned. "Sorry about calling you Killer Frost." Her voice was full of false sentiment.

"It's fine." I yelled back.

"See you around." Then she watched me until I walked into my front door.

That was the last time I spoke with him. I never took RJ over and he didn't bring Iris to our house.

There was a soft rap on my bedroom door. "Go away." I yelled from under my covers. "I just want to be alone today."

I heard the door squeak open and felt a heavy body sit on the corner of my bed, "I'm not going to let that happen." It was Barry. I peeked out from under my comforter, and he wore his crooked smile as his eyes sparkled at me. "Come on. Get out of bed."

"You don't have to do this. I'm fine here alone." I lied. I was happy to see him. I thought what I wanted was to spend this day alone, but seeing him now, I realized I didn't want to be alone. I wanted to be with him. I needed him. I need his comfort. But why? I should be thinking of Ronnie. I should be crying because I don't have Ronnie anymore. I should be a wreck, but with Barry here, I feel content.

He ripped the covers off my bed, picked me up out of bed and cradled me in his arms. My heart thudded against my chest as my arms unconsciously wrapped around his neck and my legs hung over his strong arms. Ours eyes locked for a moment and I thought he was going to kiss me, but he set me down on the floor and said, "Get dressed. I'll be waiting down stairs." Then he walked out the door.

I sat in the bathroom staring at myself in the mirror. What was he doing here? Where was Iris? Why did I want to kiss him so badly? I'm a horrible person. It's my anniversary, and I'm thinking about another man.

He knocked on the bathroom door loudly, and startled me out of my thoughts, "Hurry it up. We're gonna be late."

"What are we gonna be late for?" I asked through the door.

"Don't worry about it. Just get ready." I heard his heavy footsteps head back down stairs.

When I was ready I trotted down the stairs. I saw him sitting on the couch waiting patiently for me. He looked up when I came into the living room, and his mouth formed a huge smile. He stood up to face me and said, "Now, don't you feel better?"

"Yeah, I guess." I said sarcastically, but not meaning the sarcasm. We stood for a moment staring into each other's eyes, unmoving, then I had to spoil it. "Where's Iris?"

"She went back home. I'm sorry about the way she acted last week." He looked down, almost ashamed. "I don't think she likes the friendship we have. I think she's," he paused for a moment, "jealous maybe. I'm not sure."

"It's fine. I'm used to the way she treats me." I said quietly.

"But it shouldn't be fine." He protested. "I want you in my life. I want RJ in my life."

"And she doesn't want us to be in your life?" I asked.

He gritted his teeth and took in a deep breath, "I don't want to talk about her right now. Right now, I want go because we are going to be late." His crooked smile was back, and I didn't want to talk about her either.

He helped me into his old pick-up truck and we started driving, "Where are you taking me?" I asked impetuously.

"It's a surprise." He said with a smile.

"Come on. Don't I get a hint?" I begged.

"Nope. You'll just have to be patient." He grabbed my hand and interlaced his fingers with mine. "You're going to love it. I promise." The sparkle in his eyes was all I needed. I didn't ask again. I was happy just to be with him. I would have been happy with pizza and beer. I really wasn't sure what to expect. We held hands the whole drive. His fingers were rough from working with them over the years, but their touch was tender. He didn't squeeze to tightly or manhandle my hand, our hands just sat in between us, and he slowly, almost unconsciously, caressed the top of my hand with the softer edge of his thumb. My heart skipped with every gentle touch.

A lone tear rolled down my cheek. I remember Ronnie used to make me feel this way, but I have not felt this tender anticipation in such a long time. I know, with marriage comes familiarity and comfortability, but there still should be desire and passion. Shouldn't there be? When Ronnie would come home from deployment we couldn't keep our hands off each other, but as time went on our passion for each other lessened.

After driving for hours, we finally arrived at the planetarium in Central City. I looked over at him questionably. He shrugged with a smile and said, "A buddy from college owned me one."

My heart pounded with excitement. "Barry," I whispered. "What did you do? What is going on?"

"It's your anniversary surprise." He lifted me out of the truck and held up a blindfold.

"I don't know. I don't like going in to things blind."

"Come on. Just go with it." He looked like a child on Christmas, excited and nervous all at the same time.

"Fine." I gave in.

He guided me through the planetarium and I was afraid I was going to run into someone, but I didn't hear the bushel or white noise of other people just the echo of our own footsteps. We stopped, and he slipped the blindfold off with an ecstatic "Surprise!" We were inside the projection hall which was ordained with star lilies, my favorite flower. I turned to Barry in awe and astonishment. I was at a loss for words. How did he know my favorite flower? How did he plan this? He smiled at me brightly, "I wanted you to have your meteor shower."

Happy tears filled my eyes and my arms flew around his neck. I couldn't believe he remembered. "You didn't have to do this." I said chocking through my tears.

"I wanted to." His arms wrapped around me in a warm embrace. He wiped away my tears and said, "Have a seat. Any one you want. This place is ours for the next 2 hours."

"You had the planetarium closed? For me?" I said in disbelief.

"Yeah." He said simply.

I looked around the auditorium with childlike excitement. I jumped from the first row to the back row finally settling in the middle of the middle row. Barry set the controls at the operating panel then took the seat next to me. Soft instrumental music played in the background as we watched the digital meteors shoot across the domed star lit sky. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I looked over at him as his eyes were transfixed on the show, and whispered, "Thank you so much."

"Happy anniversary Cait." He said softly with a smile. "I hope it's ok. I know it's not the real thing."

"It's perfect." I kissed his cheek and grabbed his hand. We sat and watched the rest of the show with our fingers intertwined.

We stood in his driveway, him holding my hand from helping me out of his truck. It was dark by the time we got home. I'm sure my mother had gotten RJ ready for bed, so I wasn't in a hurry to leave. "I can't thank you enough for what you did today." I said unable to take the smile off my face.

"It's no problem. I told you…I wanted to." His voice was a heavy raspy whisper. I got the feeling he wanted to say more, but he didn't. A light night breeze swept past us blowing a few stray strands of my hair that loosened themselves from my ponytail, in my face. He brushed a light finger across my brow and tucked the wild hairs behind my ear. My heart hammered against my chest at his touch. My pulse quickened, and I could feel a quiver between my legs. I knew if we stood here much longer we were bound to give into urges we both felt. "Goodnight Barry." I said softly.

"Goodnight Cait." He nodded his head with a slight smile and reluctantly let go of my hand. I turned to head home and he quickly grabbed me by the arm, pulling me into his arms for a tight embrace. I let my body relax against him and nestled my face in his neck as he rested his head on mine. My arms encircled around his back holding onto him. His sweet scent of after shave and sweat was intoxicating.

"Caitlin." He said my name in a breathless whisper, like a secret.

"We can't do this." I whispered regretting it as soon as it left my lips.

I remained in his arms for a few more moments, then pulled away. I placed my hands on his face, locking our eyes together. He eyes were the deepest shaded of emerald and he took my breath away. "You know we can't keep going down this path." I started. His hands rested gently on my hips. "You're getting married. My husband died a few months ago."

"But I think I'm falling..." His voice was horse. I lightly covered his lips with my hand.

"Sssshhhh." I placed my hand back on his cheek. "I think we need to spend some time apart." I needed to know for sure if what I'm feeling for him is real. I needed time. Time to process Ronnie's death. Time to process my grief.

He rested his forehead against mine, his warm breath in my face, "If that's what you think is best." He kissed me, soft and tender. Then took one last look into my eyes and walked into his house.


	12. Chapter 12

Hi guys! Sorry it has taken so long to get this chapter to you. Things have just been crazy. I hope you like it. I am working on the next 2 chapters so hopefully it won't be as long in between. I want to thank everyone for their wonderful comments and being so patient with me. I was wondering if you guys like the lyrics before each chapter? Do you listen to the songs? I'm just curious. Let me know. Enjoy.

* * *

When I fall asleep I can see your face

What I lost in you I will not replace

And I could run away, I could let them down

And I know you're gone but still

I will remember your light

-Sia

Chapter 12

"Then he kissed me and walked into his house." Why does he always do that to me? I thought to myself before I went on. "It's been a month since that day and I haven't spoken to him. I've gone by his house a couple of times, but he's never home now." I paced in Felicity's living room nervously, as Will and RJ played in the backyard and she sat calmly on her couch breast feeding her new born baby girl.

They named her Thea, after Oliver's sister, who tragically died in the same boating accident as his father. Oliver has always felt a since of guilt over the loss of his father and sister. He was supposed to go on the business trip to China with his father, but Felicity had just given birth to Will and he didn't want to leave them. His father understood, and his sister willing took his place, but he always thought that if he had been there, maybe he could have stopped whatever it was that caused the accident. Felicity always tells him there most likely was nothing that could have been done and he would have died on that ship instead and Will would not have a father and she would have lost the love of her life. He always kisses her forehead, smiles and looks her in the eyes, but never says anything.

Felicity adjusted the baby to a burping position and proceeded to pat her back lightly all without taking her eyes off me. Benefits of being a 2-time Mom. The first time, with Will, she was so nervous and inexperienced. She kept saying, "I'm going to drop him," or "I have no idea what I'm doing," and I always loved it when she said, "How can he poop so much? And why does it look like that?!" I stayed with her a few weeks after Will was born to "help out" with the house but really it was to ease her nerves and help with the baby. I always had a more motherly disposition than she had and all our parents' friends would come to me for babysitting, so I had more experience too. But after a couple weeks she was comfortable with him and became a wonderful mom.

"Do you think he's avoiding me?" I asked her nervously.

"Well? Before I answer that, let me ask you a question. How do you feel about him?" She asked as she bounced the baby lightly.

"I don't know." I threw my arms in the air. "He's handsome. He's sweet. He's great with RJ. He seems to really care about me. And his lips are soft and sweet, and his kisses feel so good." I gently run my finger over my lips trying to feel the last remnants of his kiss.

"And he's engaged." Was her snarky comeback.

"I know!" I said with frustration. "You don't think I know that! Why do you think I'm here?"

"To entertain me?" she said with a laugh.

"This is funny to you? My life is falling apart, and this is funny to you?" Irritation dripped from my tongue.

"Oh, don't be so dramatic, your life is not falling apart, and yes…it is a little funny." A sly smile spread across her lips then she placed the freshly burped and sleeping Thea in her bassinet then gave me a hug. "I'm sorry to laugh, but you gotta admit, this is crazy. You obviously have feelings for him silly and he clearly has feelings for you too. Why is this so hard for you?"

"Because he's engaged!" I mocked her snarky comment.

"Yeah, to Iris." She said rolling her eyes. "He would leave her in a second if you told him how you feel."

"That's just the thing. I can't do that. I can't be the one to break them up."

"Why not. Iris was a bitch in high school and she's still a bitch. I would love to see her face when Barry tells her he's leaving her for you." She clapped her hands together and looked off into the distance with a maniacal smile on her face. I assume she was picturing Iris's face.

"I know, I hate her too…it's just. It's feels wrong. Plus, what about Ronnie?"

"What about Ronnie? I know it's hard to think about it Sweety, but he's not here anymore. He shouldn't be a concern."

"I know that. Really I do…it's just…" I trail off for a moment. "It's only been like four months since he passed. Isn't that like disrespecting his memory?" I paused for a moment thinking about the dreams I've been having lately. I see Ronnie standing in a dark room with a low light shining on his face. He looks at me and smiles. I start to run to him, calling out his name and I reach out my hand for him, trying to grasp at him, but I can never catch him, and he slips into the darkness. "I love Ronnie and I know I always will. I just don't know if I'm ready to move on yet, and that's not fair to Barry. Or Iris. That's why I can't ask him to break things off with her. That's why I told him I needed time."

She pulled me in for a tight embrace, "I understand." She whispered in my ear. I'm sure she has thought about what like would be like without Oliver when he talks about being on that boat with his dad. Would she remarry? Would she live her life and pretend he could still come back? Would Will grow up and become a good man without his father? Would life go on? I know these are questions she has asked herself, because they are questions, I've recently asked myself.

We held each other a moment longer, then she said matter of factly, "He's not avoiding you…he left."

I pulled away from her, her words echoing in my ears. Did I hear her right? I looked at her with questioning eyes, "Excuse me?"

"He's not avoiding you. Oliver told me, he said he had some things to take care of and he would be gone for a while." Thea started to fuss, and she turned her attention to the baby and patted her little belly. "Ssshhhh baby girl. Momma's here."

"He left?" I said it to myself more than directing the question to her. "He left?" I couldn't wrap my mind around it. What did he have to do to just up and leave? He didn't say good-bye to RJ. He didn't even say good-bye at all. I really did push him away. Maybe I should have told him how I feel, and we could have worked through my grief together? Maybe I should call him? Text him?

As if reading my mind Felicity pipes up and says, "Don't you even think about calling him." She looked at me with stern motherly eyes. "You are just going to confuse yourself and him." She pointed her index finger at me to get her point across. "Remember, this is what you wanted. You just said it wasn't fair to Barry and that's why you needed time. Well, now he needs time. Just be patient. Try living life without Barry. Without Ronnie."

"Yes Mom." I say.

I sit on my window seat hoping to catch a glimpse of Barry through his bedroom window, even though I know he's not there. The lights are all out and his house is still. I gently run a finger over my lips again, trying to taste his soft kiss. I close my eyes remembering his smile that day. The way his fingers interlaced with mine. Why couldn't I allow myself to be with him? Why did I push him away? I pushed him directly into her arms. He's probably realized by now I'm just a lost cause and he should have never done anything nice for me. He's probably saying how stupid could he have been? He loves Iris and what he felt for me was just in his imagination. He probably regrets ever getting in my car. I don't know…maybe I do too.

"Caity Bear." I hear Ronnie's playful whisper coming to me through darkness. I reach out not able to see him. "Wake up Caity Bear." I roll over and see Ronnie sitting at the corner of my bed. But it wasn't my bed, it was our bed, from our house. I look around the room for a minute taking in the sponge painted eggshell walls and pale green carpet sprawled with soft sunlight. My vanity on my side of the bedroom near the window. My fingers lightly run over our floral duvet cover remembering the soft velvety microfiber fabric. It must have all been a bad dream. I looked back at Ronnie's smiling face and reach out to touch his hand resting on his leg. I can feel him. He's really here. I jumped up and flew myself in his arms. His arms wrap around me in a warm embrace and he says with a laugh, "What's that for?"

"I just missed you." I said, not letting go. "I had the worst dream. You were…gone, and I…I don't want to talk about it. You're here and that's all that matters."

"Well it was just a dream and I'm right here for now but I'm leaving soon. Remember? I have an assignment." He pulled out of our embrace, and tried to stand up, but I held him down and placed my hand on his face. He shaved this morning, but I could still feel a slight stubble when I grazed my thumb across his cheek. I stared into his deep blue eyes. Somehow his eyes looked steely and cold, but they smiled at me just the same time. I wanted to stay like this. Unmoving in each other's arms, staring into each other's eyes, but he was always in a hurry. He grabbed my hand and placed it in my lap. "Are you sure you're ok?"

I nod my head and smile fighting the tears that are threatening the borders of my eyes.

"Ok then sleepy head. Time to start the day." He jumps up and starts for the bedroom door.

"Did you wake up RJ?" I say just before he steps out.

He looks at me perplexed, "Who's RJ?" He waits for me to answer but I don't know what to say. How could he not know who our son is? How could he say it so matter of factly? I search the room for some answer but come up empty. I shake my head and answer the way he wants to hear, "Someone from the dream I guess."

He shrugs it off and walks out the door. He pops his head back in quickly to say, "The boys are waiting for you downstairs." The boys? Did we end up having more than one child? And all boys? My heart leaped in my chest. I was filled with a happiness I have not know in a very long time. I glided my feet into my slippers near the edge of the bed and flung my robe on. I pounded down the stairs with such glee I couldn't contain it. I reached the bottom of the stairs and was blocked by a baby gate. We closed off the stairs because they must still be little. I jumped over the gate and called out, "Boys! Mommy's here."

I was suddenly surrounded by three bouncing, jumpy pugs. Pugs. Not children. Pugs. I love dogs, but this is crazy. Instead of having children…we have three dogs. I drop to my knees and my face is bombarded with dog slobber. I can hear Ronnie laughing from the kitchen, "They sure do love their Mommy."

I pet the dogs and give them the love they want, but my heart sinks. No RJ. No children at all. I again fight back the tears. I take a deep breath to regain my demeaner and stand up. "Do you want me to make you breakfast Babe?"

"I already did." He said. "Come sit down." He smiled at me proudly.

I was surprised. He never made breakfast. I walked into the kitchen with a smile, "What's the occasion?"

"No reason. I just wanted to." He comes up to me and kisses the top of my head, like he used to do in high school. My sunken heart rises from the depths. We are happy. We are happy together even without children. I grab him in my arms again and whisper, "I love you."

"Wow. You haven't said that in a long time." He seems shocked. I never tell him I love him? How could that be? It was something I would do every day.

"Well it's time I start saying it again." I release him from my arms and we sit down at the kitchen table. Ronnie places a bowl of oatmeal in front of me with a small glass of orange juice. Not really the breakfast I was hoping for, but it's a start.

I take a bit of the oatmeal and it's plain. No brown sugar or fruit or anything. I smile at him gratefully and then scoop a spoonful of sugar into the oatmeal. "So where are you going this time?" I ask after I swallow.

"All I can tell you is I'm going to Gotham." He put a spoonful of oatmeal in his mouth, then added the sugar to it also.

"Gotham, huh? That place is so dangerous." I clutch his hand, "Please be careful. I don't want to lose you again."

He looks confused at first then remembers, "Oh right. The dream. It'll be fine." He said with a confident smile then squeezed my hand back. We ate the rest of our oatmeal in silence.

I glance up at him several times during breakfast. He reads the paper. Scanning the articles wearing a pair of reading glasses low on his nose. When did he get glasses? They make him look older, more mature. I can't help the smile that spreads across my face. I have Ronnie back. I don't know if this is a dream or losing him was the dream. Was Barry a dream too? RJ?

I don't know how to feel. I'm sad at the realization that we never had children and I've lost my son. My baby boy. But we are happy even without children. I don't have that sense of longing that I've felt every day since my night with Barry. So maybe that was the dream, and this is real.

"I gotta get going." He stood up quickly startling me out of my thoughts.

"Already?" I whined. "Can't you stay just a few moments longer?" I seized his hand as he walked by. He turned and looked at the pain on my face. He cupped my cheek in his hand and I closed my eyes against the heat. His hand was warm, but I didn't feel a sense of comfort.

"Sorry. I can't. My rides here already." He lets go of my face and walks toward the front door. I follow him expecting a kiss or a hug good-bye as usual. "You better get ready for work. You don't want to be late again." He kissed the top of my head again.

I stand there a moment not sure what is going on. I have to get ready for work. But where do I work? Why is he only kissing the top of my head?

"See ya in a few weeks." He reaches for the door and I grab him and kiss him. The kiss is dry and rough. I want the kiss to be soft and tender, but he doesn't kiss me back. He pushes me away slightly. "Why did you do that?" He asked. There's a knock on the door and I stop him from answering it. A knot forms in my throat. What is going on?

"Because I wanted to kiss my husband." I say defensively.

"What is up with you today? You say you love me? You don't want to lose me? That dream really messed with your head." He reaches for the door again and I stop him once more.

"What is going on?" I demanded. "Why are you being so cold? Why won't you kiss me?"

He takes a deep breath and lets out a sigh, "I knew this arrangement was going to mess with your head sooner or later."

"What arrangement? What are you talking about?" My head was spinning. I held on tightly to the door knob. There was another knock on the door. I hit the door with the palm of my other hand, "Just a minute!"

He stares at me with cold unloving eyes and I know he doesn't love me anymore. "Caitlin. We have been separated for 2 years now. You need to move on. We are only living here together until the sale of the house goes through." I suddenly realize that as I looked around our bedroom, his side of the bed was not messed up. Like he never slept in our bed.

"But…but you called me Caity Bear. And you kissed my head. Like you used to do." I can't stop the tears now. "I thought you loved me."

"Caitlin," he sighs again. "I do love you, but not like that anymore. I'm sorry if I confused you this morning. It's just sometimes I feel like we're going to be okay. We're going to be friends again. You have been my best friend for so long and we know everything about each other. So, I call you Caity Bear and kiss your head like when we were kids, but we are not in love with each other. And we haven't been for a very long time." His words ring in my ears. He grabs my hand that was holding onto the door knob for dear life, and pry's it away. "Now please, can't we just get through the next few months? I know you had a bad dream or whatever, but seriously, this is getting old."

I stand in the middle of the entry way stunned. Unable to move. I watch him open the door and passionately kiss the woman on the other side as if it were a movie. It's not real. It can't be real. I watch them stroll down our walkway hand in hand and wait for the movie credits to roll. A "For Sale" sign swinging in the front yard catches my eye and suddenly I'm falling. I'm falling from a great distance and I feel weightless.

Then my body hits the ground hard. My joints are stiff, and my feet feel like they are being stabbed with a thousand needles. It takes all my strength to stand and look around. I'm back in my old room at my mother's house. Now I know for sure which one was the dream.


	13. Chapter 13

I'm back SnowBarryians! I'm so sorry I was gone for so long and didn't update. I know it has been frustrated, believe me, I've been frustrated with myself. I am working on the next chapter right now, so I know you won't have to wait so long. I just want to thank you all for being patient with me in my absence. I hope the wait was worth it and I hope you enjoy.

* * *

And if loving her  
Is heartache for me  
And if holding her means  
That I have to bleed  
Then I am the martyr

-Trading Yesterday

Chapter 13

Barry's journal

I've been away from home for about 6 months. After taking Caitlin to the planetarium and she told me she needed time. Time to grieve. Time to know how she feels about me. As much as that crushed me, I knew she was right. She just lost her husband a few months ago, and she is still mourning. I want to know she loves me for me, not because I just happen to be there. And I needed to know for myself as well that what I'm feeling isn't just cold feet. So, I gave her time. I gave myself time. And I left the next day early in the morning and haven't talk to her since.

I knew the first thing to do was to see Iris. I thought we should spend some quality time together to see if the spark was still there. We have spent so much time apart lately that I needed to see, needed to know, if I was still in love with her.

I went by the Picture News office to see if I could surprise her and take her out to lunch, but they said she was working on a story and didn't know how long she would be gone. I didn't really have anywhere else to go so, I figured, I have a key to her place, why not just wait for her there.

When I pulled into her driveway, I had a sinking déjà vu feeling in the pit of my stomach. I got out of my truck with an armful of yellow roses and stared at her car in the driveway. If she was out working a story, why would her car be here? I walked up to the front door and held up my fist to knock, but something told me not to, so instead, I put the key in the lock and turned the knob with a tight chest. I knew what I was going to find before I even saw it.

I slowly walked down the hallway and I could hear laughter and moans coming from her bedroom. It was very apparent that two people were having sex. I opened the door and was thrown back to Iris's dorm room years ago. It was even the same blonde Thor looking mother fucker from back then. "What the fuck!" I yelled.

"Barry!" Iris screamed rolling off her partner and frantically covering herself. I stood there, flowers in hand with that same dumb look on my face and locked eyes with Iris.

"Are you fucking kidding me? Again Iris? And with the same fucking guy?!" I yelled. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if I should hit the guy or thank him, so I did the only thing that was physically possible, and I threw the roses at them. My feet were stuck. I couldn't move even though I wanted to. I wanted to run and never see this bitch again.

"Barry I'm so sorry." Iris said as she wrapped the sheet around her. "I was doing a story about the police department and it turns out that Eddie," she smiled and looked at Thor. "Was the focus of the story. He's a new detective with an impressive number of closed cases."

"Is that suppose to make me feel better? The number of bad guys he's put in jail." I held up my hand like a high five and said, "Thank you for your service." Then turned my hand around and gave him the middle finger.

Iris grabbed my hand, "Really? Don't be childish."

"I walk in on you fucking some other guy, AGAIN, and I'm the one being childish?" I pulled my hand away and finally had the strength to move. I started walking for the door as fast as my feet would take me.

"Barry wait." Iris caught my shoulder forcing me to stop in front of the door. She turned my face towards her. I couldn't look her in the face. I couldn't stand to see her pleading eyes, but they weren't pleading. They were fine. No tears. No pleads to forgive her. She held my face in her hands, "Barry…we're not right for each other." She let go of my face. "I have my career and it's here, in Central City. You have your farm and you love it. I know I would never be happy living in that small town again. All I ever wanted to do was get away from there, and if I marry you…I never will." She hung her head slightly and sighed, "I don't think we should get married."

"And you couldn't have said something when you came by a couple weeks ago?" I said with frustration.

"I was going to." She met my eyes again. "That's why I was there, but you were talking about Caitlin so much I thought for sure you two were sleeping together." She held up her hand to stop my protest before I could even start it. "You guys have this energy between you. Something we never had, and…I got a little jealous." She paused and sighed again, "Barry…I love you, I'm just not in love with you anymore."

I was in shock. I couldn't say anything for several minutes. I had to process what just happened. Iris has been a part of my life for so long. We went to prom together. Lost our virginity together. She was my first love, and in that since I will always care for her, but she was right. If we had gotten married, we would have ended up hating each other, or resenting each other for the sacrifices we made. So, we broke up because she didn't love me, and I didn't love her.

I was free. Free to love Caitlin. Free of guilt for the way I felt about her. I smiled at Iris and she looked at me confused, "I'll cancel all the wedding arrangements. Take care of yourself Iris. Have a nice life." I wasn't mean or cruel. I said it sincerely. I really wished her all the best. I kissed the top of her head and look over at the very confused man in her bed, "She's all yours Thor."

I heard a muddled, "Huh?" and I chuckled. Iris gave me a sweet smile, and whispered, "I'm sorry."

Now I'm back home and I hope Caitlin has had enough time to deal with all her feelings. I'm hoping that maybe, just maybe, we can start from the beginning.

Oliver told me he and his family are going to be spending Halloween with Caitlin and I should come by and surprise her. I was nervous at first, but I thought it would be fun.

"Happy Halloween!" the Queen clan yelled as Caitlin opened the front door. "Look who I found." Oliver said as he pulled me into view. Her whole face lit up with a bright smile and she screamed my name pushing past the family blocking her way and pulled me into her arms for a tight embrace. My heart skipped a beat from her touch and the sweet smell of her hair. We stood in the doorway, in each other's arms for several minutes. I felt like she didn't want to let go.

She released her embrace and whispered, "I missed you so much." She looked me over quickly. I had let my hair and beard grow while I was away and decided I didn't want her to see me looking like a homeless guy, so I got a haircut and shave earlier in the day. "You look like you did in high school," she said with a slight smile on her lips, then she bit her lower lip. "I kinda liked the scruffy look though." Then she ran her fingers through my hair making my heart beat wildly.

"Can we come in or are we just going to stand on the porch all night." Felicity asked with an attitude.

"Sorry guys." Caitlin said with a laugh. She moved aside and let us all file into the living room. "So, when did you get back?" I knew Caitlin was directing her question at me, even though she was taking Thea from Felicity's arms. "I went over to your house…you know…the next day, but you were already gone." She bit her lower lip again. It was driving me crazy.

"Two days ago." I said. "Sorry I didn't say anything about leaving, but after that day and when you said you needed time, I thought it was best…for both of us."

"RJ will be so happy you're back. He missed you so much and asked about you every day. Wait til you see his costume." She said with a wink. "RJ! Guess who's here?" she yelled up the stairs.

"Is Will here?" I heard his little voice call from upstairs. I didn't realize it until I heard him, but I missed RJ just as much as I missed Caitlin. That little guy really worked his way into my heart. I heard his little feet running down the stairs to meet us. He caught sight of me halfway down the stairs and yelled my name, "Barry!" He took the rest of the stairs two at a time, nearly falling on his face. He ran up to me and jumped into my arms. His little arms wrapped around the back of my neck and squeezed.

"Where have you been?" He asked when I set him back down on his feet.

"I had some things to take care of out of town." I told him. "Sorry I was gone for so long, but I'm back and I'm not going to leave again."

"Can you guess who I am for Halloween?" He asked with sheer excitement. I looked him over. He was wearing dust covered blue jeans, cowboy boots, and plaid flannel shirt with a white t-shirt underneath. I had a funny feeling who he was, but I couldn't say it. I felt a knot form in my throat.

"I'm you." He said happily.

"Well that's very flattering." I tried to say without choking up.

"He's been talking about it for months. I thought it was be the easiest costume I'd ever have to make." Caitlin said. She ran a hand through RJ's hair and smiled at him sweetly, then locked eyes with me and smiled at me just as sweetly. My heart was beating hard against my chest. I knew I needed to tell her everything. Tell her I love her; I love RJ and I want us to be a family. I had to tell her.

"Um, Cait…can we talk? In private?" I said quietly.

"Sure. Do you want to go upstairs?" She was bouncing baby Thea in her arms.

"Yeah. That would be great." I grabbed baby from her arms and passed her onto Oliver. Then I took Caitlin's hand and we started for the stairs, but I heard a familiar voice and I stopped dead.

"Is that Barry Allen?!" Jay bellowed as he walked into the dining room from the kitchen. "Holy shit man! I haven't seen you in years! What have you been doing with yourself?" He came up to me and clapped me on the back so hard I think it might have left a handprint.

"Hey Jay. Long time no see." I stared at him with hatred and confusion. "What is he doing here?" I quietly asked Caitlin with a glare and dropped her hand.

Jay wrapped his arm around her shoulder possessively and said with a giant smile, "We're dating."

"You're dating?" I asked heavy hearted.

"No." Caitlin said as she removed Jay's arm from her shoulder. "We are not dating." She gave him a disapproving look. "We're just friends. Jay has been so nice to me at my new job." She jumped with excitement and clapped her hands together, "Oh my God, I didn't tell you. I got a job! I'm the new lunch lady at RJ's school." She wore a proud smile.

"Hottest lunch lady I've ever seen." Jay said with a smirk and Caitlin elbowed him playfully in the stomach.

"That's great Cait." I wanted to be excited for her. She got a job. It was wonderful news because maybe that means she's moving on and maybe that means something good for me, for the both of us…but why is he here? Why Jay Fucking Garret!

"Jay is the P.E. teacher there and has been really nice showing me around school and we've gone out for dinner a couple of times, but we are not dating." She said firmly.

Jay Fucking Garret! My rival from high school. We were always competing with each other on the track team. If I set a record, he had to break it. If I came in first at Nationals, he had to come in first in the Championships. The worst thing about him is that he would use girls and throw them away like they meant nothing. He would be all sweet and loving and once he got what he wanted, they ceased to exist to him. I even have this feeling he wanted Iris as well, but she never gave him the time of day. Now this son a bitch is back in my life because he's friends with Caitlin, and I know exactly what he's going to do.

I can't tell her how I feel now. I can't risk embarrassing myself. What if she doesn't feel the same? What if I was just someone she needed in her time of mourning?

I felt a small pull on my leg, and it was RJ. I looked down at the little guy with a smile, "What's up little man?"

"Come here." He said motioning me to follow him out of ear shot from Caitlin and Jay.

"Excuse me guys, Mini Me wants to talk." I told them as I walked with RJ. "What's up? Everything ok?" I asked him.

"I don't like him." His eyes darted quickly toward Jay then back to me. "Why did you go away for so long? Now he's here all the time. I don't like him. I like you." His little arms gave me a hug and he whispered, "I still want you to be my new daddy." He kissed my cheek and tears welled up in my eyes.

"Let's go trick or treating!" Will called out. RJ was suddenly excited at the thought of free candy and he let me go to grab his trick or treat bag.

"I think we better take them out before they run off on their own, Caity." Facility said trying to hold her son away from the front door.

"We better take these monsters out before they start clawing at the walls." Caitlin said. "Don't go anywhere, ok?" She said and gave me a quick hug. I caught a glimpse of Jay's eyes glaring at me behind her back. I watched them walk out the door.

I want that too buddy, I thought to myself.


	14. Chapter 14

Nobody teaches you how to reminisce

Nobody teaches you to hurt like this

Then we slide into the arms of someone else

Yeah, we slide into the arms of someone else

-James Bay

Chapter 14

"I'm really happy Barry's back," I paused. "But something's different about him. He seems distant. What do you think it is?" I asked Felicity as we sat in our usual booth at The Spot. The boys were with Oliver for a play date and Thea cooed in her stroller next to Felicity.

"One word…Jay." She said plainly.

"Why would Jay be the problem?" I asked throwing my hands in the air.

"Really? I'll tell you why Jay is the problem. It's because he wants to bang you and Barry knows that."

"But Jay is just my friend, and did you just say bang?" I rolled my eyes at her answer and took a long sip off my chocolate milkshake.

"Is that what you think? Friends? Jay is not 'friends' with any woman." She put her hands up making air quotes with the word friends. "I've told you this before but be careful when it comes to Jay. He is a womanizer and he is only playing the friend to get in your pants." She paused letting her words sink in. "Plus, Barry and Jay were not the best of friends in high school. In fact, I think they hated each other."

"Really? I had no idea." I said. I pictured Barry's expression when Jay came out of the kitchen the other night. His eyes went cold and his features turned stone faced, as he shook Jay's hand.

"And of course," Felicity continued. "Barry has feelings for you, that we both know." She pointed her finger at me as if to say don't even bother denying it. "I think he might be a little jealous." It was her turn to take a sip of chocolate milkshake.

"Barry is not jealous, he is engaged. He's getting married in a couple months." I protested. I know he's not jealous. He couldn't be jealous. Right? "If anything, I should be the one who is jealous." I added.

"Oh really?" she said coyly.

"You know what I mean."

"Do I?" She said with the milkshake stray playfully sitting on her lips.

"I had a hard time moving on after Ronnie died. Trying to get over my guilt and my grief." I could feel a lump grow in my throat, and I choked it down. "Barry was there for me when I needed someone and helped me through it, but then he just left. He abandoned our friendship."

"Only because you told him you needed time a part. What was he supposed to do?" she said with a hint of attitude.

"I don't know, but I didn't think he would leave. Especially for so long. I had to move on without him." As much as I missed Barry while he was away, it was good for me to get that distance. I was able to clear my head and focus on RJ and getting on with my life. It was hard, but I was able to get up every day and breath and say today is a new day. I was able to get a job and get a since of independence. It took a long time before I thought I was going to be able to get on with my life without Ronnie… and without Barry, but I did. I made friends at work and went out to dinner, and movies and I was able to do it without thinking of what I had lost. I was starting to think I could be happy again, but then; Barry came back from his absence and it was like the other half of myself came alive. A half of myself I didn't even know was missing until I saw his face. Until I saw his eyes. "You're right." I said quietly. "I pushed him away. Now he's back and I'm pushing him away again with my friendship with Jay." I knew what I had to do. I had to choose between Jay or Barry. But there was no question on who I would choose.

"What are you guys doing for Thanksgiving?" Felicity asked, changing the subject and breaking me out of my thoughts.

"Oh, changing the subject." I joked, but I was glad for the shift in direction of the conversation. I didn't want to think or talk about it anymore. "Not sure, but RJ wants to go see Ronnie the day before. It's his birthday wish. He told me he didn't want any toys this year, he just wanted to see his daddy. How heart breaking is that?"

She put her hand over her heart and gripped it, "He is such a good kid. You really lucked out with him, you know that right?" I nodded my head in agreement. "Are you going to be okay with going to the cemetery? I know you haven't been there since the funeral." She said concerned.

"I don't know. I don't know if I can handle seeing his headstone, but I have to do it."

"Do you want me to come with you?"

"No. I need to do this on my own. I think it would be good for just RJ and I to go. We'll be there for each other, and I think that is what he needs. He misses his Dad." I could feel that lump returning to my throat.

"Well I want you guys to come to my house when you get back. And I want you to come over for Thanksgiving too. We're staying home this year." She said lightly putting a smile on my face.

"I think we just might take you up on that offer, as long as you don't mind my mother tagging along."

Felicity put her fingers to her chin and squinted her eyes in an exaggerated thinking gesture, "I think that'll be ok. Just make sure she doesn't hit on my husband."

"Hey, I can't make promises I can't keep." I said as we laughed together.

We paid the tab and gathered our things to leave. "Oh Hey," I caught Felicity's attention as we started for the door. "I wanted to ask you. After we got back from taking the kids trick or treating, it looked like Barry and Oliver were arguing over something. Like whisper fighting or something. Do you know what that was about?"

"I know. I noticed that too and I asked Oliver when we got home, and he said they were talking about zoning laws or some shit like that." She looked at me and her expression spoke the confusion of his answer. "I don't know. Their weird guys."

* * *

My anxiety grew the closer RJ and I got the cemetery. RJ sat in his booster seat in the back seat playing with his cars. He was excited. I wish I shared just one once of his happiness. The old feelings of guilt and grief swept over me. I knew it was going to be hard coming here. My chest tightened as I got out of my car. I unhooked RJ from his booster, took a deep breath then we walked hand in hand to Ronnie's grave site.

"Look Mommy there it is. I remember." RJ did remember where it was, but what caught my attention was the woman standing next to the headstone, and the fresh flowers that lay on the site. A sense of familiarity grips me the closer we get. I know this woman, but I'm not sure from where.

RJ released my hand and ran the last couple of feet to the site. He startles the woman at Ronnie's grave. "Hello." He says happily. "This is my Daddy. Who are you?"

"I'm a friend." She said with hesitation.

"Hi," I say as I reach the two of them. There is definitely something familiar about this woman, but I just can't put my finger on it. "I'm sorry but I don't think we have met." I stuck my hand out to shake hers. Maybe she came to the funeral or the wake, and in my grief, I don't remember meeting her.

She shook with a "Hello." But she dropped my hand quickly and became uneasy. "I'm Marcia."

"I'm Caitlin. It's nice to meet you. How did you know Ronnie?" I asked feeling a sense of unease myself.

"I didn't think you would be here. I'm sorry to intrude. I thought you might come tomorrow and," her words trailed off. Why was she acting so anxious?

"It's RJ's birthday today. He wanted to see his dad." I glanced down at RJ, he had his hand on the headstone and was whispering secretly to his daddy. A tear welled up in my eye and I wiped it away quickly. "How do you know Ronnie?" I asked again quickly, trying to hide the hoarseness in my voice.

Her eyes darted around but never setting on me. "I really must go. Again, I'm sorry if I intruded. I'm sure I'm the last person you want to see right now."

She started to turn, but I caught her arm. "What are you talking about? If you're a friend of Ronnie's, you have as much a right to be here as I do." I gripped her arm harder not sure why, but I didn't want her to leave without telling me what ever it was she was hiding.

Tears started coming down her face, "Can we step away for a moment?"

I nodded my head in agreement, then said, "RJ, Mommy and this nice lady are going to be right over there for a moment. Ok?"

"Okie dokie Mommy." He said and turned his attention back to his cars and Ronnie's headstone.

Marcia and I walked about 4 sites away, out of ear shot, but keeping RJ in sight. I stood waiting for her to speak with an irritated look on my face. She met my eyes for the first time. She had deep gray eyes that were blood shot from crying. She was pretty, but her features were hard. I knew she was military. She wore no makeup, so her sun touched faced showed random freckles from sun exposure. Her nose was straight and narrow but had a scar at the top of the bridge between her eyes. Ronnie had a similar scar. It was from his helmet. She had high cheek bones that gave her a narrow face with a sharp jaw. Her puffy lips pulled her long mouth into a frown before she spoke. "I'm so sorry. I really didn't want to meet you this way. I had hoped before Ronnie had passed that maybe…" she trailed off. Her arms were straight and stiff at her sides and her hands were balled so tightly into fists her knuckles were turning white.

"I told you it was fine." I reached up to pat her shoulder and she pulled away.

"Are you sure you don't know who I am?" she asked suddenly.

"I know I was a little out of it at the funeral and the wake, so If we met-"

"We've never met." She cut me off. I opened by mouth to say something, but she continued, "Did Ronnie leave you anything?"

I looked at her puzzled. Like what? We were married. Everything he had went to me. I shook my head, "Was he supposed to leave you something in his will? Who are you?" I asked again with more insistence.

"We were having an affair!" she said a little too loudly. I saw RJ peek a look over at us.

My chest tightened and I lost the ability to breath. I suddenly recognized her. She was the woman from my dream. The woman Ronnie kissed so passionately and then walked away with. I must have known on some subconscious level that that woman would be real. And here she is standing inches away from me. I looked down at my feet waiting for the ground to open a black hole a swallow me, but it never did. I stayed where I was. In realty. This was not a dream.

"I'm so sorry." She said through sobs. "He told me the last time we saw each other he was going to tell you. He said he was going to write you a letter. When I saw you, I wasn't sure what he had said, so I was nervous, but I can't live with it anymore. He was the love of my life and I miss him so much. I'm so lost."

The shock of her revelation had now turned into anger, "You're what? You're lost? Really? Because he was MY husband! How dare you come here and tell me you miss him. That he was the love of your life!" I wanted to scream, but I didn't want RJ to hear, so I yelled at this woman as quietly as I could contain myself. "I don't care what he told you. He was my husband!"

"Caitlin, please," she begged.

"Don't you fucking do that. Don't you fucking say my name." My body shook with anger. How could Ronnie do this? I knew the answer, but I didn't want to hear it from her. I didn't want someone else, let alone the woman my husband was fucking, to say the one thing I had felt in my core.

"He didn't love you anymore!" she shouted back at me. "He loved me, and he was going to leave you." I slapped her across the face. She didn't move. She didn't even put her hand to cheek to rub out the pain, just left it to get red. She was a tough woman, and I could suddenly see why Ronnie loved her. We stood in front of each other just staring. Not moving. Not welding. We stood our ground with each other.

"Check his rucksack." She said quietly, her emotions in check. Then turned and walked away.

I tore into the boxes in my mothers' garage as soon as RJ and I got back from the cemetery. I didn't know which box his rucksack was in, but I was determined to find it. Marcia's words echoed in my head all the way home, "We were having an affair". Tears streamed down my face as I ripped open box after box tossing them aside when I didn't find what I wanted. Then I saw a box with his name written on it. It wasn't my handwriting. My mother must have packed this box.

I tore into it feverishly. The box was filled with all things Ronnie. His hairbrush, razer, electric shaver and hair clippers. Street clothes and uniforms. I picked up his favorite ragged t-shirt and put to my face. I inhaled deeply. It stilled smelled like him, though the scent was fading. I thought I was done with grieving, but sitting here with his things, these inanimate objects that used to belong him, used to belong to my husband, I started sobbing on the floor of the garage with this box in my hands.

I wiped the tears away with the t-shirt that is still in my hands and start carefully taking his things out to get to his rucksack on the bottom. Once I have the bag out of the box, I place it between my legs. My heart starts to quicken with fear at what I'm going to find in it. I trace my fingers softly over his embroidered name, take a deep breath and open the top flap. There are some clothes still in the bag. Some green t-shirts and camo pants and jackets. I check the pockets and find nothing. My body relaxes slightly as I think, that chick was just crazy there is no letter. I start checking some of the side pouches and pockets still finding no letter. I do find a small photo album he would take with him on deployment. It had our wedding photo and some candids of us, but mostly pictures of RJ. I flip through the book, smiling at some pictures, laughing at the memory of others. When I reach the end of the book, and I freeze.

On the last page in a photo slot is a folded piece of paper. I stare at this piece of paper not able to move or retrieve it from its plastic covering. I can see Ronnie's handwriting on the inside of the fold and panic grips my heart. I place my hand over the photo slot trying to imagine it wasn't there, trying to tell myself it's not real, it's not there. But as soon as I move my hand, I see it's still there.

I gingerly pinch the paper between my fingers and pull it slowly out its home. I unfold it painfully slow, knowing with each unfold I am closer to the inevitable truth. I close my eyes as I open the last fold. I open one eye slowly and see the heading of the letter, "Dear Caity Bear," is all I can read before I fold it up again and run to Barry's house.

I pound on his door praying he is home. He answered the door after what seemed like an eternity. He sees the panic look on my face and asked, "What's wrong? Are you ok?"

"No. No I'm not." I hold up the folded letter. "He was cheating on me! He was going to leave me!" Barry looked from the letter to me and back to the letter.

"What are you talking about?" He guided me to the couch, so I could sit down. I felt as if I would start to hyperventilate. I told him about going to the cemetery and running into that woman, and what she told me, and then I held up the letter.

"Can you read it to me?" I ask softly. "I just can't bring myself to read it." I gently place it in his hands. He opens the letter and reads it to himself. "I think you need to read this. This can't come from me." He hands me back the tainted piece of paper. I hold my breath and start to read, "Dear Caity Bear,

I know this is going to sound cliché, but this is the hardest letter I've ever had to write. I want you to know that I will always love you, but things have become strained between us, and I think they have been that way for a long time. When RJ was born, I started to feel like you were becoming distant, and distracted. At first, I thought it was just the new baby and things would go back to the way they were, but it never did. I would come home, and I would feel unwanted, unnecessary, so I started spending more time away from home. And I started to find solace in a friend, and it turned into so much more. I'm sorry if I've hurt you, and I know this is the most cowardly way to do this, but I can't bare to see the pain in your eyes. We've been together for so long and I know you so well, so I know you would try to stop me. I know you're not happy with me Caitlin. Go find what makes you happy. I did. And please know that I never meant to hurt you or RJ."

He had scratched out the word love and signed it with just his name. My hands fell into my lap and the paper crumpled. Tears fell off my cheeks in a slow stream leaving watermarks on the paper.

"He was going to leave me." I chocked out finally.

Barry put his arm around me, "I'm sorry you had to find out this way, but maybe this is a good thing and it can help you move on. He says in the letter he was happy, and you should find your happiness. Doesn't that make you feel better to know he was happy, maybe not with you, but…" he let his words trail off.

No, it didn't feel better knowing that my husband was in love with someone else and was going to leave me. No, it didn't feel better knowing he felt unloved. No, it didn't feel better knowing that my marriage was a facade.

I looked up into Barry's emerald green eyes and felt a tug in my chest. The same tug I always feel when I'm around him. I kiss him, slowly, putting all my pain and anger aside and wanting nothing more than to feel only him. Wanting his arms around me, his body near mine, but he pushes me away, "Cait…we can't." he whispers.

"Please," I beg. "Please make love to me. I need you. I need to feel better." I run my hand through his soft hair then cup his face in my palm.

He placed his hand over mine, "I…" he started to say. "Not like this."

"Please." I begged again. "I need to forget how much Ronnie has hurt me."

He dropped his hand and pulled away from me. He stood up suddenly. "What's wrong?" I asked, my throat still horse.

"Is that all I am to you?" He asked heatedly.

"What do you mean?"

"Am I just some emotional crutch to you? Just a cock you can use when you need to feel better? You use me and then leave me without any regard for my feelings."

His words felt like a slap in the face. "You know you are more to me than that."

"Then why do you push me away? Why do you led me on with kisses and touches and then tell me you need time apart? Why?" His voice was getting louder with resentment.

"Because you're engaged!" I blurted out. "I can't be anything to you but a friend because you are engaged to someone else."

"But you want me to make love to you right now. How is that just being a friend?" he said callously.

I stood up slowly, crushed by his words and Ronnie's letter. I came to Barry for comfort and all I found was distain. "I think I better go."

He opened the front door without a word, then closed it behind me and I heard the dead bolt turn. I pulled out my cell phone from my pocket and called the only person I could think of at that moment. "Can you come get me? I'm at home." I said when the line picked up.

"I'll be there in 5 minutes." Jay said on the other end.


End file.
